Do You Believe in Magic? Helping Your Child Learn How to Behave and Function in Society

by Bob Doman

In my extensive travels I have many opportunities to observe families and their children. Having done so for many decades now, it is blatantly obvious that many parents today must believe in magic.

Children are not born with some innate understanding of how to act and behave or, if you will, how to be civilized. Many parents fortunately still hold the perspective that their children should learn to behave and function with a level of maturity and respect, but unfortunately it appears that more and more parents believe that it happens by magic.

Parents understand that you must teach kids most everything, from how to wipe their bottoms to how to do math, but you also must teach your children all of the basics of proper manners and behaviors. As big an issue as this is for “typical” children, it is an even greater problem for children with developmental issues. The truth is that most of what we learn is not from what we are taught; it’s what we simply pick up by being present. Many “typical” children, if given good examples, will learn almost like magic how to behave appropriately, from sitting and eating with good table manners, to complying, acknowledging and greeting people, to simple things like using “please” and “thank you.” Unfortunately, little things like opportunities to model appropriate behaviors are now slowly disappearing. Family meals are becoming infrequent events, and when they do occur the object is not to share a “meal” and enjoy a family social event, or even to take the opportunity to help educate; it’s to get the food from the plate to your stomach as quickly as possible. It’s shocking to hear that so many children never even eat at a table. Good parenting is now being defined as having your kids engaged in more out-of-home lessons and activities, so parents are spending less and less time with their children showing them and teaching them how to be civilized, something their peers are very unlikely to demonstrate and teach.

At a recent dinner I was able to observe a family with a son of about ten who has autism and a daughter of about five. The two children got up out of their seats at least twenty times during the meal and roamed around the restaurant, and the boy with autism went from table to table trying to sample everyone’s food. It was obvious from the parents’ response that they did not see this as unacceptable, just inconvenient. On another occasion there was a family having a meal with their son, who appeared to be about eleven or twelve and to have some minor issues. The adults were discussing some significant topics, and the boy would randomly start talking over someone at the table about something totally unrelated to the discussion. This would occur every few minutes, whenever he wanted attention. These interruptions were ignored by the parents, and it was obvious that this was their norm. No instruction, no feedback and no expectations.

As mentioned previously, most of what we learn is from observation. For children with developmental issues, their ability to focus, attend and process is compromised, as is their ability to simply learn through observation. All children need to be taught manners and how to behave, but for children with developmental issues this is extremely important. Inappropriate behaviors in effect label the child as different, special and limited, which in turn limits expectations, which then results in less feedback and instruction and a lack of further development.

Behavior needs to be taught proactively, not reactively. You need to teach appropriate behavior not only through modeling, but through actual instruction. Often simply identifying a single needed behavior and instructing the child prior to beginning the meal is sufficient to change the behavior at that meal, which then provides you with the opportunity to praise them and reinforce the new behavior. The feedback, if any, that most parents give tends to be reactive rather than proactive. They get up and bring the child back to the table, and perhaps even reprimand them, or they might stop during the meal and tell the child that they shouldn’t interrupt. Unfortunately, this often tends to provide the child with attention, which reinforces the negative behavior. Proactive parenting requires identification of a problem or a need and creation of a plan to address it: a targeted plan, delivered with the needed frequency, intensity and duration.

Parents, if you don’t identify developmental and behavioral needs and actively address them, then all that’s left is to cross your fingers and believe in magic. Raise the bar and help your child be all they can be.

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