Most parents of a child with Williams Syndrome can tell you exactly where they were the day they got the news. The fluorescent lights of the geneticist’s office. The careful, sympathetic voice. The pamphlet with photographs of children who weren’t theirs and a list of futures presented as if they were already written.

If you’re reading this, you may have heard some version of these:

• “Your child will likely have an IQ between 55 and 75.”
• “She’ll need special education for the long term.”
• “He may never read fluently.”
• “She may never live independently.”

We’re going to tell you something different. Not because we’re being optimistic. Because we’ve watched it play out, child after child, family after family, for more than forty years. Since 1979, NACD has worked with over 30,000 families building individualized, home-based developmental programs, and the children with Williams Syndrome we’ve worked with have written a very different story than the one their families were originally handed.

This page is the long version. It explains what Williams Syndrome is, what the standard approach gets wrong, what NACD does instead, and what we’ve actually seen possible. If you’re at the start of this road or in the middle of it and feeling stuck, we hope it helps.

What Is Williams Syndrome?

Williams Syndrome is a genetic condition caused by a missing piece of chromosome 7. It’s sometimes called Williams-Beuren Syndrome. It occurs in roughly 1 in every 7,500 to 10,000 births. In most cases it isn’t inherited. It happens during conception when about 26 to 28 genes from one copy of chromosome 7 fail to copy correctly.

That’s the genetics. What it actually means for a child and a family is more complicated, and more hopeful, than the genetic description suggests.

The Williams Syndrome Profile

Williams Syndrome comes with a recognizable cognitive and behavioral profile. Understanding it is useful, as long as you remember that a profile describes a starting point, not a destination.

Strengths typically associated with Williams Syndrome

Children with Williams Syndrome are often:

• Warm, social, and unusually empathetic
• Strong in language and verbal expression
• Drawn to music, sometimes with remarkable musical sensitivity
• Affectionate and connected, often described as natural “people people”

These are real strengths. They’re also assets we use deliberately in a developmental program.

Common challenges

At the same time, children with Williams Syndrome often struggle with:

• Visual-spatial reasoning (puzzles, maps, drawing, math involving spatial concepts)
• Motor planning and fine motor coordination
• Heightened sound sensitivity (hyperacusis), where ordinary noises feel painful or overwhelming
• Anxiety, especially around transitions or unfamiliar environments
• Auditory comprehension under load, even when language sounds strong on the surface

Medical considerations

Williams Syndrome also comes with real medical considerations, especially around the heart. Supravalvular aortic stenosis is the most common cardiovascular issue. Many children also need monitoring for blood pressure, kidney function, and calcium levels. We’re not your medical team, and a good cardiologist and primary care physician are essential.

What we can tell you is that the medical and developmental sides aren’t separate. A child’s body and their developing brain are one system. We’ll come back to this later.

What Parents Are Typically Told About Williams Syndrome

The standard story handed to most parents of a child with Williams Syndrome is gentle but limiting. It usually goes something like this:

Your child has Williams Syndrome. The cognitive profile is uneven. They will likely have an intellectual disability. Plan for special education, lifelong support, and modest expectations. Here are some specialists to see. Try not to compare your child to other children.

The people delivering this message generally mean well. They’re working from the data they have, which is averages drawn from children who didn’t receive what we’d consider real developmental intervention. The average doesn’t describe what’s possible. It describes what tends to happen when nothing different is done.

A profile is not a prognosis.

Why the Standard Approach to Williams Syndrome Falls Short

The traditional path for a child with Williams Syndrome usually looks something like this. A diagnosis is given. The child is referred to a handful of specialists, each working on a piece. Each session happens once or twice a week. The plans are templated. Expectations are gently managed. Progress is incremental. After a few years, families are told their child is doing as well as can be expected, and the conversation shifts toward “supporting” the child rather than continuing to develop them.

The trouble with this approach isn’t that the people involved don’t care. They often care deeply. The trouble is structural.

A few hours a week of intervention, no matter how skilled, is not enough volume to change the way a developing brain processes the world. Templated plans cannot account for the very specific, very uneven profile a child with Williams Syndrome brings to the table. And no plan that ignores how a child eats, sleeps, plays, and regulates their nervous system can hope to move the things that actually need to move.

If you’re a parent reading this and wondering why your child seems stuck, the structure may be more responsible than anyone has told you.

The NACD Approach to Williams Syndrome

NACD was founded in 1979 by Bob Doman, who built the NACD methodology after years of working directly with families. We’ve worked with over 30,000 families since then. Our approach was not designed specifically for Williams Syndrome, but in many ways, Williams Syndrome is exactly the kind of profile our approach was built to address. Here’s why.

Individualized programming

There is no NACD curriculum. There is no Williams Syndrome program in a box. Every child we work with gets a program built specifically for them, based on a detailed evaluation of where they actually are in each developmental domain that matters: auditory processing, visual processing, motor planning, language, conceptual development, executive function, social and emotional regulation, and more.

For a child with Williams Syndrome, this matters enormously, because the WS profile is genuinely uneven. A child who tests at age level on language and at half their age on visual-spatial reasoning needs a program that addresses each one differently. A standardized program, no matter how well designed, cannot do that.

NACD Neurodevelopmentalists draw from a toolbox of more than 3,000 techniques. Each program is assembled from that toolbox to fit the actual child in front of us, not a category the child belongs to.

Daily frequency, parent-delivered

A child with Williams Syndrome whose program targets a developmental milestone once a week is going to make slow, frustrating progress. The same child, working on the right area of development every single day, is on a completely different trajectory. Not because the work is more intense. Because the work is more frequent.

Brains don’t change because of insight. They change because of repetition. The volume of input a child receives shapes the brain that develops. A weekly clinic visit, no matter how skilled the clinician, cannot deliver the volume needed.

This is why NACD programs live in the home. Nobody is with your child more than you are. Nobody understands your child’s signals, their good days and their hard days, the way you do. When the program lives in your home, the volume of input goes up by an order of magnitude. And your child gets to do the work surrounded by the people they love, in the place they feel safest.

A note on the word “targeted”

We use the word “targeted” deliberately, but not the way some programs do. NACD does not drill isolated skills. We build global development. Skills come along as a natural product of that development, the way they should. A child whose development has actually moved forward reads, speaks, moves, and learns across the board. A child who has only been drilled on a list of behaviors can perform the behaviors and not much more. For a child with Williams Syndrome, whose profile is as individual as the child themselves, that distinction matters most. It’s the difference between getting somewhere and staying stuck.

Whole child

For a child with Williams Syndrome, the whole-child piece isn’t a side conversation. It’s central.

Cardiovascular considerations make sleep and stress regulation real medical issues, not just lifestyle ones. Sound sensitivity changes how your child experiences a room before any teaching has even started. Anxiety is common in this population, and anxiety changes what a brain can take in. Nutrition affects energy, focus, mood, and the body’s ability to do the work of growing.

You cannot do good developmental work in a body that isn’t sleeping, eating, and regulating well. NACD has been saying this since long before it was a popular idea. For a child with Williams Syndrome, it’s part of the program.

Triannual re-evaluations

A child’s program at NACD isn’t static. Every quarter, families come in for a re-evaluation. We see what moved. We see what didn’t. We adjust. The brain a child shows up with in January is not the same brain that shows up in April, and the program needs to keep up. This is one of the reasons templated programs fall short. They cannot adapt at the speed a developing child actually develops. Our programs are dynamic and subject to ongoing modification and at the child’s triannual evaluations all aspects of their function and lives are re-evaluated and appropriate modifications are made to their programs.

How NACD Addresses Specific Williams Syndrome Challenges

Sound sensitivity (hyperacusis)

Many children with Williams Syndrome experience certain sounds as painful or overwhelming. This isn’t a behavioral issue. It’s an auditory processing issue, and it responds to auditory processing work. The brain’s ability to take in, organize, and tolerate sound can be developed deliberately. We’ve been doing that work with NACD families since 1979, and we’ve watched children move from covering their ears at every loud noise to participating fully in birthday parties, school assemblies, and family life.

Visual-spatial reasoning and motor planning

Visual-spatial reasoning, fine motor coordination, and motor planning are usually the harder side of the Williams Syndrome profile. They’re also developable, given the right input delivered consistently. We work on the underlying processes, not just the surface skills, which means a child who has done this work doesn’t just learn to write better. They become better at the things writing depends on.

Anxiety and regulation

Anxiety is common in Williams Syndrome. It’s also responsive to work that addresses the whole child: sleep, sensory input, nutrition, predictable routines, and the experience of competence. A child who feels capable is less anxious. A child who is well-rested and well-regulated has more bandwidth to learn. These aren’t separate from the developmental program. They’re part of it.

Academic learning

Children with Williams Syndrome can learn to read fluently, do math, and succeed academically. The path is not standardized, and it requires meeting the child where they actually are. The strong verbal channel many WS children bring is an asset to use, not just a strength to celebrate. Reading instruction that builds on language strength while addressing the visual processing piece is far more effective than instruction that ignores the profile entirely.

Charlotte: A Williams Syndrome Story That Rewrote the Prognosis

We’ve watched this play out for many families with Williams Syndrome. One of them is Charlotte.

Charlotte was three years old and two years into her NACD program when she was discharged from special education. The testing psychologist could not find a cognitive issue. Her IQ tested at 106 overall, and 111 on non-verbal reasoning. Children with Williams Syndrome are typically expected to score between 55 and 75. Charlotte didn’t just edge above the expectation. She blew past it. And she did the testing in English, her second language, after only six months of speaking it. Her first language is French.

Her mother had been told earlier, by professionals outside of NACD, that Charlotte might never button her own shirt. Might never write well. Would not attend a regular school. Charlotte enrolled in a regular Montessori program alongside her sister.

A few years later, her mother ran a full marathon to raise money for NACD, in a shirt that read, “Mom of 4. My special-need kid rocks.”

You can read the original story here: Williams Syndrome: “Charlotte” Not Held Back by Williams Syndrome

And the update from her mother, years later: My First Marathon: And With the Running Came the Healing

Charlotte is one child. She isn’t unusual at NACD. She’s one of many children with Williams Syndrome whose families refused to accept the prognosis they were handed and went to work on something different.

What’s Actually Possible for a Child With Williams Syndrome

Here’s what we believe, and what we’ve spent more than forty years watching prove itself out: the brain can change. At any age. With the right input, delivered consistently, by the people who know the child best.

That isn’t optimism. That’s neuroscience, and it’s also our daily experience with thousands of NACD families since 1979.

A child with Williams Syndrome can:

• Develop strong, age-appropriate cognitive function
• Attend regular school, including private and Montessori settings
• Read fluently and learn academically
• Build deep, meaningful friendships
• Develop sensory regulation and tolerate the world comfortably
• Pursue careers, interests, and lives of their own choosing
• Surprise everyone, including the people who told you what they couldn’t do

What we can’t tell you is exactly where your child will end up. We can’t predict that for any child. What we can tell you is that the prognosis you were handed at diagnosis is not a fact. It’s an average drawn from children whose potential was never seriously developed. Your child has not yet been measured at their potential, because nobody has yet given them the right input to measure it.

At Any Age: From Toddlers to Adults With Williams Syndrome

We’re sometimes asked whether NACD only works with young children. We don’t. Earlier is better, but it’s never too late. The brain remains changeable across the lifespan. We work with infants, toddlers, school-age children, teenagers, and adults with Williams Syndrome. The work looks different at different ages, but the principle is the same. With the right input, delivered consistently, growth is possible at any stage.

If your child is older and you’ve been told the window has closed, please know that it hasn’t. We have seen substantial progress in teenagers and adults with Williams Syndrome whose families thought it was too late to start. The window for development doesn’t close.

Getting Started With NACD

If you’d like to see whether NACD is the right fit for your family, we invite you to join our free Get Started program. There’s no cost to begin the conversation, and there’s a great deal to gain.

Your child’s future isn’t fixed. It’s waiting to be built. And you’re the right person to build it.

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Nine years ago, I gave birth to a precious baby girl. Her Daddy, two year old sister Claire, and I were so excited to welcome her into our family. Five days after Alice was born, we received a surprise diagnosis; Alice had Down Syndrome. After the shock and initial grief, I immediately wanted to know everything that I could do for Alice to make sure that she would have every opportunity to grow and learn and do all the things that other kids get to do. I was discouraged with information that I got going down the rabbit hole of the internet, about how kids with Down Syndrome will never do this, or never do that, or struggle with this. I was worried that Alice would never speak, read, potty train, or gain self help skills that would lead to independence or a connected, meaningful life. I made endless appointments with health care specialists to make sure she was as healthy as possible, and I sought help from early intervention specialists. They gave me a few things to work on, but each specialist and therapist was only looking at their small piece of expertise. And Alice’s therapists only came once a month, and gave me maybe three things to try. I wanted to know what else I could do; I knew there must be more I could do to help Alice learn. 

It was then that a friend of mine from church told me to look up NACD, and how it had helped her two girls with autism so much. Now I knew these girls. One you would NEVER know was on the autism spectrum, and the other was maybe a bit socially awkward, but that was it. These were intelligent, educated and accomplished girls. At first I was skeptical, but I bowered my friends introduction seminar given by Bob Dowman. It was amazing! I have a degree in Elementary Education, and had taught school for 4 years. As I was listening, so many things made so much sense! It resonated with me on such a deeper level, and I knew that this was the right place for us.

At this point, Alice was 8 months old. We met with Sara Erling for the first time to have Alice evaluated. It was amazing! We were given a program to help my whole child, and there was definitely enough to do. We were now giving Alice the speech, cognition, and physical input that Alice needed with the correct frequency, intensity, and duration everyday. Some things that we were asked to do were opposite the vastly popular opinions of early intervention specialists, but we trusted NACD and I am so glad we did!

Alice learned to talk, having so many words so much earlier than so many of her peers with Down Syndrome. After so much work, Alice learned to army crawl, then crawl, then walk with correct cross pattern, and the right gait to help her not have problems in the future. Alice learned to dress herself, and she potty trained! She is 100 percent independent for bathroom needs during the day, and has been for 3 years; this is a milestone that so many of her peers with Down Syndrome have not accomplished. Alice is reading at an early 2^nd grade level, and still going. Alice can do chores, and even make her own breakfast, something she is very proud of. All of the things that I was afraid that Alice would never do, she is doing already, and she just turned 9.

Do we sometimes get stuck in Alice’s development? Yes, but with one email to my mentor, we figure out how to make progress, although it may be slow at times, it is steady. We never stay stuck. NACD has been the most powerful partner in my parenting! Every time I do not know what do to, I can call and get specific help that addresses any behavior or problem at the developmental root. We are not just putting bandaids on problems or hoping a medicine will magically fix a behavior. NACD knows how to make changes, and what needs to be in place in order for function to improve in all areas. This partnership applies to all of my children. They have all been on NACD at different times with difference intensities, and I have seen them grow academically, behaviorally, physically, and socially.

One of the best things about NACD and our journey with Alice, is that her potential and progress is not limited. Sometimes I get discouraged that Alice is behind her typical peers and not doing what they are. Then I remember, that she is not doing it yet. Alice is smart, and capable, and can continue to make progress. With the right input, and time, Alice will continue to learn and progress. I do not have to be a slave to the special education system provided at the school. Alice does attend right now, because she loves it socially and it gives me time with my younger children, but her teachers are on board with what we are doing at home and even do reps at school. I have control of what Alice is learning at home, and it will not matter if I have to homeschool her eventually, I will have all the help and tools I need to make sure she can progress.

If you are a parent with a child with Down Syndrome reading this, I see you. I know that you may be looking for more for your child; more help, more hope, more function. You will find it here. I love to talk to parents with kids that have Down Syndrome and I would be happy to answer any questions about our journey with NACD. I am so grateful that we found it when Alice was young, and that I have a partner to do this thing called raising children with. It really has changed our lives, and blessed our family immensely and will continue to do so.

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From Salt Lake City to Ogden, Park City, and St. George, NACD has provided thousands of children with customized, science-based educational and developmental programs. Whether a child has been diagnosed with autism, down syndrome, ADHD, learning disabilities, or simply needs help reaching their full potential, NACD offers individualized programs designed to help each child maximize their abilities in both education and life.

How Utah Families Are Finding NACD—From Across the Globe

Despite being headquartered in Utah, many of our local families have discovered NACD through referrals from parents in other countries. Families in the United Kingdom, India, Australia, Brazil, and beyond have firsthand experience with NACD’s impact and frequently recommend us to families in Utah through Facebook groups, special needs communities, and word-of-mouth referrals. Parents from all over the world recognize the effectiveness of NACD’s approach, often before Utahns do.

It’s incredible to think that families on the other side of the world actively refer Utah families to NACD—yet many local parents are unaware that they have access to this life-changing program right here in Utah. NACD’s international headquarters is located in Washington Terrace, a short drive from Salt Lake City, Ogden, and Park City. We also have an additional evaluation site in St. George, providing in-person services to families in Southern Utah. In addition, families throughout the entire state can work with NACD remotely via video conferencing.

For families seeking the best possible educational and developmental resources for their children, NACD is already trusted by families across the globe—and it’s right here in Utah, available to you.

NACD: A Utah-Based Resource for Child Development & Education

For Utah families searching for the right educational and developmental support, NACD is a local resource that provides world-class expertise. Unlike one-size-fits-all therapy programs, NACD takes an individualized approach, designing a custom program for each child based on their unique strengths and challenges.

We work with children who have:

• Autism Spectrum Disorder
• ADHD & Attention Issues
• Learning Disabilities
• Down Syndrome
• Speech & Language Delays
• Processing Disorders
• Brain Injuries
• Accelerated & Gifted Learners
• Homeschooling Families – Watch Our Free Homeschool Seminar

In addition to working with children with developmental and learning challenges, NACD also helps homeschooling families, typical children, and those struggling with behavioral challenges reach their full potential. Whether a child needs help excelling academically, improving focus, addressing behavior, or enhancing processing and cognitive skills, our individualized approach is designed to support their education and overall development.

NACD & Utah Scholarships

We know that finding the right resources for a child’s education and development can be overwhelming, especially when cost is a concern. That’s why NACD is an approved vendor for the Utah Fits All Scholarship, making it easier for families to access our services. We are also an approved vendor for the Children First Education Fund, providing additional financial support options for families.

You can find NACD listed as an approved vendor on the Utah Fits All website here.

For Utah families looking for individualized educational and developmental support, NACD is a world-class resource that has been hidden in plain sight. Families from all over the world trust us—now it’s time for more Utah families to discover what’s available right here at home.

Learn More & Get Started

Want to see if NACD is a good fit for your child? Learn more about our Get Started Process or contact us at info@nacd.org to schedule a free informational call.

Check out real success stories, expert insights, and more on our NACD YouTube Channel.

Don’t miss out on this life-changing resource that’s been right here in Utah all along!

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I have been working with the Allman family for several years now.  As NACD staff, we often talk amongst ourselves about how fortunate we are to work with what we consider to be the cream of the crop parents.  Ken and Julie Allman are fine examples as to the level of dedication that we see every day in our work/mission/life at NACD.   Not only do they strive to provide the best developmental and educational path that they can for their son, Charles, but they are committed to raising a well adjusted, good human being.  I have often been proud of Charles’s advances at his evaluations, but never more proud of him as when I heard about how he spent his 8th birthday.  I was so inspired that I requested that Julie write up a summary to share with all of you.

Good job, Charles!  Excellent job, Ken and Julie!

by Julie Allman

Dear Members of the National Association of Child Development (NACD),

Introduction:

In a world where material possessions often take center stage, it is refreshing to witness acts of selflessness and compassion. Charles Allman, a remarkable young boy, recently celebrated his 8th birthday in a unique and meaningful way. Instead of receiving gifts, Charles elected to collect gently used apparel and toiletries for children in need. Inspired by the principles of NACD, we as parents supported his mission, and together, we created a celebration that left a lasting impact on our community. Let us delve into the heartwarming story of Charles’ birthday party and the impact it had on the Hinton community.

Background:

Ken’s hometown of Hinton, West Virginia, nestled in the scenic Summers County, is a part of the New River Gorge National Park & Preserve. While surrounded by incredible natural beauty, the area is also home to families and children with many challenges. Shockingly, three out of ten elementary school children in Hinton are supported by the Communities in Schools program. Deeply involved in our local community, the Allmans recognized the opportunity to make a difference and support these children.

Charles’ Mission:

Instead of traditional birthday gifts, Charles selflessly asked his friends and family to contribute gently used children’s apparel and toiletries, specifically targeting grades 1-6. 

The Birthday Party:

The Allman family extended a warm invitation to friends and classmates, inviting them to Charles’ 8th birthday party. On the special day, we gathered with friends, parents, and siblings to celebrate. The atmosphere was filled with joy and a sense of purpose. We provided food and drinks for everyone, ensuring that the celebration was not only about giving but also about coming together as a community

The Impact:

The response to Charles’ mission was wonderful. Friends and family rallied behind his cause, generously donating clothing, shoes, and toiletries. The Allman family recently returned from a trip to Hinton, where they personally delivered these heartfelt contributions. The impact of their efforts was captured in photographs, showcasing Suzie Hudson, the program administrator, and the “store shelves” where students in need can select clothing, toiletries, and food. The gratitude expressed by the Hinton community was very warm, and the Allmans extend their deepest appreciation to all who contributed.

Conclusion:

Charles’ 8th birthday celebration was not just a party; it was a testament to the power of compassion and the difference one person can make. Through his selfless act, Charles inspired those around him to embrace the spirit of giving and support children in need. The Allman family’s involvement in the Hinton community and their dedication to making a positive impact are truly commendable. As we reflect on this heartwarming story, let us remember that even the smallest gestures of kindness can create a ripple effect of change.

As parents, we are immensely proud of Charles for his selflessness and compassion. His decision to forgo traditional gifts and instead focus on helping children in need exemplifies the values we strive to instill in him. We are grateful for the support of the NACD programs, which guided us in facilitating Charles’ mission and creating a celebration that went beyond the ordinary.

In closing, we extend our heartfelt thanks to all those who contributed to Charles’ mission. Your generosity has made a significant difference in the lives of children in need, and we hope that this heartwarming story inspires others to embrace the spirit of giving and make a positive impact in their communities. The Allman family’s involvement in the Hinton community and their dedication to making a positive impact continues.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 37 No. 1 , 2024 ©NACD

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The National Association for Child Development (NACD) is proud to announce that we have been recognized as an approved vendor for the Utah Fits All Scholarship Program. This significant development is especially close to our hearts, as Utah, the state where NACD is headquartered, has created a landmark program that empowers parents with the choice in their children’s education and development.

The Utah Fits All Scholarship provides families with up to $8,000 per eligible student for the Upcoming School Year

This funding can now be used towards NACD’s all-inclusive membership tuition, enabling your child to benefit from our personalized developmental programs without the financial strain.

Apply for the Utah Fits All Scholarship Today!

check the uFA website for the latest details

We encourage you to apply early to secure this opportunity for your family.

Detailed information and the application form can be found by clicking the button below:

Key Details

Application Deadline

Please check the UFA Website for the latest deadlines or waiting list times.

Eligibility

All K-12 students residing in Utah qualify.

Use of Funds

Scholarship funds can be utilized towards NACD’s all-inclusive membership tuition.

Support

For assistance with the application process or any questions about using the scholarship with NACD, please don’t hesitate to contact us or visit the official FAQ section of the Utah Fits All program (scroll to the bottom of the page).

At NACD, we are committed to supporting each child’s unique developmental path and are excited to make our programs more accessible through this fantastic opportunity. Please reach out if you need help or have any questions about the Utah Fits All Scholarship Program or NACD’s offerings.

Don’t miss this chance to enhance your child’s learning experience with NACD’s specialized programs. Apply for the Utah Fits All Scholarship today and unlock the full potential of personalized development!

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I am a big believer in identifying patterns, collecting data, and building new and better patterns. I would like to suggest to you parents that for a week you collect some data; try to be “normal,” don’t go out of your way to change your behavior—yet. Each day record how much quality targeted time you spend with your kids. You can include time teaching them how to mow the lawn or load the dishwasher, to teaching them how to kick a soccer ball, to talking to them about what they learned at school today, to teaching them about all the important stuff you know and care about over dinner, but to qualify you have to be talking.

After your week of collecting data, evaluate it. Because you were aware of what you were doing, your data is probably going to be a lot better than the previous weeks, but so be it. Look at your data and evaluate how well you think you did. Then think about how you could have done better and then do it. Be conscious, be aware, and strive to create new behavior patterns that provide your children with more of your life-changing attention.

Dads, you might suspect that this was largely directed at you, and you would be correct. We dads have some special power—use it!

      Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 36 No. 3, 2023 ©NACD

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by Bob Doman

Many parents of special needs children, as well as children with attention and learning related problems, mistakenly believe their children are receiving a good, real opportunity for development and education from the schools. With rare exception neither public nor private schools are equipped to provide these children with a real opportunity. What does opportunity look like, and how do we help the children realize their innate potential?

A sad reality is that the typically perceived potential for all our children, and particularly our special needs children, is not truly based on their innate potential, but rather it is defined by the very limited opportunities provided by public schools, and most private schools, and the outcomes they produce.

Opportunity Defines Potential and Determines Outcomes

The range of individual function in a typical or special needs classroom is tremendous. In a typical classroom the reading, math, and other educational levels range in years, not months; but everyone is generally placed in the same curriculum and at the same spot in the curriculum. The instruction is based on the month and year of where the class is in the curriculum. In addition to the huge range of educational levels in the classroom, the level of individual processing abilities (short-term and working memory levels, the ability to process and understand the information) varies tremendously, as do the individuals’ actual knowledge base, and learning strengths and weaknesses. Our children are all unique; and the more targeted their education is to their specific needs, the more effective.

The greater the developmental and learning challenges, the greater the variability of function, the more specific their requirements, and the greater the need for targeted intervention– “targeted” as in designed for the individual child and administered one to one.

How does the public education system determine potential and define opportunity?

Perceived potential defines what is determined to be appropriate educational and therapeutic opportunity, as defined by the public educational system. The potential is based on expectations and prognosis, while the prognosis is based on the past failures. The past failures in turn are the reflection of the realities of limited opportunity, the result of budget restraints and previous outcomes.

The Reality of School Aides

If your child is “fortunate” they are provided with a 1:1 aide. Parents generally mistakenly believe that the aide is providing a targeted program designed for your child. This is rarely the case. Often the aide assists your child in walking through a dumbed down version of the school curriculum or a version of the “special” curriculum. Aides generally assist and prompt the child through whatever is deemed appropriate work, rather than providing targeted teaching. They are not teachers and are not expected to be. They aid, as in assist, which often impairs rather than facilitates real education and often results in prompt dependency.

Physical, Speech, and Occupational Therapy

Many parents believe that their children who need specific therapies need to attend school so that they can receive the therapy they need. The reality is that one or two twenty to thirty minute sessions of “therapy” per week is not enough to produce significant change and certainly does not define a real opportunity. Very few school therapists would really define what they are providing as adequate. But, once again, outcomes predict potential and thus determine what is considered an appropriate opportunity. Sadly, the same criteria has been used by insurance companies to define appropriate opportunity, and thus limit how much therapy they will cover. Fortunately, most children with developmental issues do not need rehabilitation therapy; they need developmental opportunities that generally do not require a therapist.

Neuroplasticity

All individual development reflects and is the result of neuroplasticity, the process by which the brain changes in response to stimulation. The foundation of neuroplasticity is targeted input delivered with frequency, intensity, and duration.

Targeted input refers to specific input, specific as to the child; and because every child is different, the program needs to be designed around a comprehensive understanding of the whole child. All children are complex; and the more specific issues the child has, the more complex they are, as are their needs.

Labels

When schools started providing “special” services for special needs children and those with attention and learning challenges, the need existed for them to have administrative labels, so as to classify the children. The labels and classifications served as a means for the system to lower expectations and an excuse for the system to fail. One hundred or one hundred thousand children labeled as dyslexic or as having attention deficit, as an example, are all different and are categorized and stigmatized by a symptomatic label. They don’t have a disease, let alone an incurable disease; and they are all different. If they are all perceived as the same, then their needs are perceived to be the same, and their opportunities dictated by the expected outcomes. All the children with these labels are unique and complex, as are all labeled children, each with a multitude of different significant pieces that need to be understood and addressed if they are to be given a real opportunity to achieve their unique potential.

The Whole Child

You cannot successfully address a piece of a child without a comprehensive understanding of the whole child.

Who are the world’s greatest authorities on a specific child? The parents.

It is impossible to understand a child and provide a child with a real opportunity without the parents being in charge, the parents who know the whole child and who are ultimately responsible for the future adult. A dysfunctional 30-year-old child is not going to be living with their old teacher, or school principal, or therapist; they are going to be living with their parents or in some form of institution

What is the whole child? To understand the whole child, you must know and understand their history from birth to today– their birth history, their medical history, their developmental history, their educational history, their social and behavioral history. Who they are today is a reflection of their entire history and much more, including: any and all neurological/structural and physical issues, their sleep, their diet, current medical issues, behavior issues, social function, how they are on days when they don’t feel well or didn’t sleep well, what their relationship is with their parents, siblings, grandparents, extended family, friends, with their church or other organizations, what is fun, how do they engage themselves, how much screen time do they have, how is their vision, their hearing, their auditory and visual processing, short-term and working memory, do they have any executive function, exactly what do they know and understand, what are they afraid of, what do they like, what do they hate and on and on and on. All of these factors and many more need to be part of the consideration as to what they, these unique children who have never existed before on the planet and never will again, need. How do we target them?

How do you look at a label and determine what is appropriate for any child? You simply cannot define potential nor adequately work with a piece of a child without understanding the whole child.

Public education may pay some lip service to parents, but parents are generally perceived as the people the school sends the child home to at the end of the school day.

Reactive vs Proactive

Schools apply a reactive management strategy to the child’s development and education, meaning that the goals and thus the applications are not based on a long-term vision of what can be based on appropriate opportunity, but what is based on limited opportunity. Examples range from a perspective that the child really doesn’t have the potential to be functional in reading and math, therefore the “reading and math” programs provided aren’t really expected to produce a long-term result of someone who can actually read and understand math. If the perception is that a five-year-old really isn’t going to be able to speak and use language, then augmentative communication is the reactive approach. If the perception is that the child will never be an independent walker, then the reactive approach is not aimed at that goal, but rather life in a wheelchair or possibly a walker.

To work with a child proactively means that you are doing things today understanding and anticipating the long-term effects. What is seen as potential dictates the steps needed to achieve it and to work proactively, not reactively.

Shared Vision and Goals

Everyone involved with a child needs to share a common vision and goals. The primary voice in determining the vision and goals needs to be that of the parents. Parents can be assisted in this process with the help of those who have worked with and through families and their whole children for many decades.

A Better Way: Plan B

Home/Family Based Whole Child Comprehensive Programs

NACD (National Association for Child Development) has for over forty years been at the forefront of redefining opportunity and potential and has developed a toolbox of over 3000 specific techniques that can provide targeted intervention within the home and applied by parents, siblings, and caregivers. NACD focuses on providing individualized, home-based programs to children with special needs, those with learning and attention issues, as well as “typical” children, optimizing opportunity, changing perceptions and outcomes. This approach offers several advantages over public schools:

1. Individualized attention: NACD programs are tailored to the specific needs of each unique child, rather than labeling and plugging the child into an “appropriate” curriculum.
2. Home-based programs: NACD programs are best done at home five days per week. Each comprehensive targeted program maximizes neuroplasticity through short, intense activities that can be provided many times a day, rather than a couple of times per week.
3. Flexible scheduling: Parents can choose when to work with their child, which allows for schedules that work best for the family. It also provides the opportunity for targeted social interaction outside of the school walls. It’s not the quantity of time that a child spends in the company of other children, it is the quality and structure of the time. The reality is often whether or not a child can survive the social world of schools, not if they have learned how to appropriately interact and have developed positive social skills and lives.
4. Holistic approach: The NACD program focuses on the whole child, not just their academic needs, by addressing health and nutrition, motor skills, cognitive skills, speech, social and emotional development, behavior and much more–the whole child, and the whole child within the context of the family. NACD is constantly developing, exploring, and assessing new methods and treatments, bringing state of the art information and resources to bear on the child’s issues and needs.
5. Targeted input, delivered with the needed frequency, intensity, and duration by the people who know and care the most defines a new opportunity and changes outcomes.
6. Tri-annual evaluations and ongoing support, coaching, and interaction help keep everyone on target, working effectively and efficiently, and moving together to achieve the vision.

Learn more about how the NACD Program helps parents homeschool children with special needs:

      Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 36 No. 3, 2023 ©NACD

The post Homeschool & Special Needs Children appeared first on NACD International | The National Association for Child Development.

“All great change in America starts at the dinner table.” 

— Ronald Reagan

If your children are infants, toddlers, of school age, or adults, or somewhere in between, family meals can be incredibly important. Whether our motivation is teaching a skill (such as eating or participating in meal preparation) or fostering family dynamics (such as communicating about the day, participating in discussions, building independent thinking), family meals may not just be the most important meals of the day, but the most important times of the day, or even their lives.

We are all aware that times have changed and that all the changes have not been for the better. Some of the more significant changes involve family, perception of family, and perhaps even the definition of family. There are many family traditions that are being lost in our fast-paced consumption-driven society. One very important piece that has been lost in many families is simply family meals. As a society and for the sake of our children, we need to revisit what has been the norm virtually throughout human history and has been lost to a great extent over just the last 50 years.

In many homes today, family meals are becoming more and more something that is part of family history or perhaps something reserved for special Sundays and holidays. For most families, breakfast is something you grab on the way out the door or something that gets shoved into children before they start the day. Today, rather than someone taking time to prepare a healthy breakfast meal for the family, most people grab the home equivalent of fast food. How about lunch? Lunch is rarely something that is done as a family. Everyone is off doing school, work, or whatever. In most families the best shot at getting the family together for a real meal is dinner. Let’s look at some of the problems being caused by the loss of family meals, as well as the benefits that we can derive from this old foundational family institution.

Over the past number of decades, I have observed an increase in several issues negatively affecting virtually all children that can be associated with missing family meals.

Just last night I had a family dinner with my son, Laird, his lovely wife Sadie, and my grandchildren, 5-year-old Arielle and just-turned-two Lachlan. Lachlan sat across the table and as he typically does, he kept an eye on me throughout the meal. The degree to which he observed me became obvious when he carefully nudged a piece of carrot to the edge of his plate, then onto the table with his fork. I had not had a chance to comment before he looked up at me and did an amazing job of imitating my head tilt and disapproving expression, which resulted in my smiling at him in spite of the fact that I knew I shouldn’t do it. (Lachlan fits “too cute for his own good.”) This was followed by my tilting my head and making different expressions that Lachlan mimicked beautifully. This went on for about 90 seconds, following which he picked the piece of carrot up and put it back on his plate. The degree to which children observe us and learn from us when we are in close proximity is greatly underestimated. Rarely throughout a typical day do these opportunities present themselves as they do during a family meal.

Although at two Lachlan has yet to learn that experimentation has its limits at the dinner table, there are many things he has learned from eating meals with his family and observing, things that many children who are fed by themselves or eat by themselves often do not learn until much later, and some of which are sadly never learned.

Optimally a family meal entails having the whole family together—Mom, Dad and all the kids. The only thing that generally beats this is when the extended family is included, as this grandfather can attest. Although we realistically can’t always, or even often, create the ideal, the closer we can come to it, the better. A parent, or a parent and a sibling, having a meal with a child is preferable to the child just eating alone or being fed, while the parent or caregiver simply attends to getting the food into the child. Part of this equation is delineating between eating as in consuming food vs. sharing a meal together, a learning experience. Eating is a process by which you get food from your hand, a utensil, or some container to your stomach, generally as quickly and as unceremoniously as possible. Having a meal together, sharing a meal, is often the most educational part of the day for children and parents alike. I grew up in the ’50s outside of Philadelphia. In the ’50s most mothers’ job was the family—period. Moms had time to cook and to sit down and share good meals with their family. Sunday dinners and extended family dinners often meant coats and ties for the guys and dresses for the girls. These meals were treated as significant events, even if they were frequent. I recall as a child learning early on that at a meal you talked. There was no TV, you didn’t read at the table, and an effort was made to include everyone in some form or level of discussion. Everyone participated or received some attention. I was in a restaurant recently and was shocked by a large family that was seated near us. You might not define eating at home as “dining,” although one would hope to approximate that as often as possible; but if a family goes to a restaurant and makes that financial and time investment, you might hope that the experience would approximate “dining.” On this particular evening while I was dining with my family, I noticed the large family next to us that consisted of both parents and six children who ranged from about six to sixteen. All sat the entire time staring at their phones. It would have been bad enough if they had answered calls, but not a word was spoken. Throughout the entire time they were in the restaurant, the only words spoken were to the waitress who took their orders. This was not a family sharing a meal together; it was an opportunity missed and lost, and sadly a statement about this family and many others.

Let’s look at our children of various ages and families at different stages and explore the significance of the family meal.

• Part 1 Infants and Toddlers
• Part 2 Three to Five Years
• Part 3 Five to Eighteen +

Part 1

Infants and Toddlers

Learning to chew, self-feeding, eating a variety of nutritional foods, auditory processing and language development

Learning to chew

As part of our program at NACD, which entails working with the whole child, we have families post many videos of their children on our NACD Portal. These videos provide our staff with vital information and insights that help us educate the family and assist in the child’s development. Observing many parents spoon feeding their little ones is often a bit of a painful experience. In these instances, it is very apparent that the obvious goal is to get the food from the bowl to the child’s stomach as quickly as possible. To accomplish this goal, the parent is often using an amazingly large spoon. Not only do we observe food being shoveled into the child’s mouth, but the rate at which the food is shoved in is such that the child has no opportunity to learn how to use their tongue to manipulate the food in the mouth. Learning how to use the tongue is a significant component of a child learning to chew and to speak. In order for the child to progress from purees, to chewable foods, to self-feeding, they need to learn how to chew. Chewing is a very important part of digestion, and children who do not chew well often have digestive issues and constipation. In addition, chewing is the first big piece of oral motor development that establishes the foundation for good articulation. If Johnny was being fed while some of the family was eating, it would be a much slower process with a significantly different goal. The goal would be to assist the child in eating, teaching them how to eat, and interacting, not simply filling their stomach. The children who are fed as previously described often are very slow to learn how to chew because they are not only being deprived of the opportunity to learn how, but deprived of the opportunity to observe Mom, Dad, and big sister chew.

Expanding taste, accepting a variety of foods

A side effect of delayed chewing is the slow introduction of a variety of identifiable foods. Pureed foods all tend to look and feel the same in the mouth and are often all mixed so that the child cannot differentiate between specific flavors and odors. It’s experiencing a wide variety of food, textures, tastes, and smells that develops the acceptance of a wide range of food and teaches the child not only to eat, but enjoy a variety of nutritional foods. Guess what else the child who is fed alone misses? The opportunity to observe what other people eat and enjoy. The nature of the beast is to want what others have; and observing what other family members have and then being offered the same thing contributes to the child’s trying and enjoying different foods and textures. The child who is fed and eats alone is deprived of these very important opportunities that can lead to picky eaters and lifelong rejection of many nutritious foods. The first tastes that a child perceives are sweet and salty. Delaying the introduction of other tastes often leads to the child rejecting the more nutritious foods and craving sweet and salty food.

Self-feeding

As we move from baby to infant to toddler, we want to be teaching the child how to feed themselves, moving from finger foods to utensils. Self-feeding is a very important step toward independence. The more independent a child becomes, the more the child initiates doing more things on their own; and nothing is perhaps more significant to independence than feeding oneself. The longer a child (or adult for that matter) is dependent, the harder it is to foster independence, initiation, change, and progress. The more the child initiates, the faster their global development. There are many other pieces to this, including the child who eats alone and is trained to need a distraction for meals, such as a screen or toys.

Moving along in the child’s development, eating with the family teaches many important things, from how to eat appropriately with utensils, to table manners, to simply sitting at the table until the meal is finished. Children learn how to be civilized from adults who are and who model appropriate behaviors. Eating with your child is an important modeling and teaching opportunity.

Family meals often present one of the most important opportunities for the child to observe and learn. Young children learn visually, by observing. If a child is eating alone and not sitting next to family members who are feeding themselves, they do not even have a mental picture of someone feeding themselves. As a result, they are slow to initiate self-feeding and are content to continue being fed. Conversely, the child who closely observes people eating with utensils learns how to eat with utensils.

One disturbing thing that children who are learning to self-feed, but who are eating by themselves, commonly learn is to throw food or drinks and plates and whatever is within reach. Why not, if they do not have sufficient modeling to show them how to eat and act appropriately or do not have the opportunity to simply observe and interact with other members of the family during a meal? If they are eating with someone else and happen to throw something, someone is there to give them immediate feedback. 

Processing, receptive and expressive language

Young children learn by being in close approximation to other people and observing. They also tend to observe some more than others. The family meal affords them the opportunity to focus and learn from specific family members. The family meal is an ideal time for the child to observe, listen, and begin to understand and process language and produce sounds and language themselves. Auditory processing (the ability to process a word, then phrases, then sentences) is of paramount importance to the development of cognitive function. The child at a family meal is a relatively captive audience who can observe and listen to what is being said and learn.

One of the keys to development is neuroplasticity. The child’s brain develops from specific input being provided with sufficient frequency, intensity, and duration. Children need consistent opportunities to observe, interact, and learn.

Part 2

Three to Five Years

Table manners, expanding taste, attention, processing and language development, chores, responsibility and independence

We often think the goal of meals is simply to eat, to get nourishment; but as already discussed, there are many associated pieces that are extremely important. At each stage of the child’s development, there are important developmental pieces that relate to, and are aided by, family meals.

Table manners—taming the beast

It’s often easy to spot a child who typically eats alone: their table manners are horrific, and it takes longer to clean up the table and the floor after a meal than it was for the child to consume it. Teaching a child appropriate table manners requires first and foremost modeling appropriate table manners and then providing the child with appropriate instruction and feedback. The more often someone else is present and demonstrating appropriate table manners, the more quality input the child receives, and the faster they learn what they should do and how to do it.

Expanding taste—nutrition

Children who eat meals alone tend to learn to want the same things at every meal. Breakfast and even lunch is often the same every day. It is often easy for parents, once they discover what the child will eat for breakfast and lunch, to give the child the same thing every day; and unfortunately the child learns to want the same thing. So they both establish a pattern that neither is motivated to change. Eating the same thing daily is not nutritious, particularly if we look at what the children typically get for breakfast and lunch. Often the only opportunity the child has to learn about different foods is at dinner, assuming that the child is eating with the rest of the family. Healthy foods are rarely a child’s preferred foods, which again tend to be sweet and salty foods, which are often followed by grains. Gluten is becoming of greater concern in regard to allergies and intolerances. Children eating cereals, breads, and pastas often become addicted to these foods and reject what they should be eating. The taste for a variety of foods needs to be developed for the child to not only learn to eat, but enjoy the variety of meats, fruits, and vegetables that contribute to a healthy diet. The greater variety of foods we can introduce, and the earlier, often the better.

One good example of children learning to eat more sophisticated foods if exposed to them from an early age is what I observed in southern California in the ’80s. The first couple of times I saw this I was honestly a bit shocked; but it occurred so often that it became almost the norm in southern California. The snack food of choice of these families for their children under five and often as young as eighteen months was sushi. And the kids loved it! It was a great demonstration of how rapidly taste can be developed if given the opportunity.

Processing—cognition

Young children, when seated at a table with family members, attend to those family members. If they are not offered distractions like the TV, iPads, crayons and toys, they pay attention to what the other members of the family are doing and saying. Hopefully the family members try to engage these little ones during the meal. This process of attending without distractions helps build the child’s processing and attention span, which is a key to learning.

Perhaps the most important thing that drives the development of receptive and expressive language, cognition, and global development is the development of sequential processing. Building sequential processing develops short-term memory, then working memory and executive function, the pieces that determine our level of function even more so than innate intelligence. The primary thing that pushes processing is specific targeted auditory and visual input. One of the things that most children do well is let you know whether what you are saying to them, showing them, or doing with them is targeted to them or not. The test is their attention to it. If you are hitting the nail on the head, the child attends; if not, they don’t. Children sitting at a table with family members can be relied on to give the rest of the family feedback as to whether they are being included or not. The children tend to shape the family’s behavior. The more targeted the input, particularly from a family member, the faster the development of these vital processing abilities that will influence how the child ultimately learns, thinks, and functions.

Language development

Teaching a foreign language is not an easy task. It’s important for parents to understand that any language is a foreign language to a child learning their first language. The best way to teach any language is through immersion. Immersion simply means that you are living with the language and learning from your observations and involvement and out of need. Throughout the course of the day, the child has an opportunity to observe and interact and start to learn the language; but throughout most of the day there are many things going on, and it’s difficult to isolate words and their meanings. The family meal gives the child an excellent opportunity to isolate, observe, model, and learn to understand and then use language. It’s not a shock that one of the first words that a child learns is “more” and that one of their first word combinations is “Mom more,” followed by the phrase “Mom more please,” to using full sentences. The family meal should be a focal time in the day for relevant talk that contributes to the child learning the structure of the language and developing their own receptive language abilities. The language function of most children in this age group is a direct reflection of the targeted interaction between the child, parents, and siblings who naturally expand their use of language to fit the child they are speaking to. No one is better suited to this job than the people who know the child best; and no time may be better suited to this development than the family meal.

Chores, responsibility, and independence

I have written several articles talking about the importance of teaching a child to do, be responsible for, and to own chores. Most parents grossly underestimate their child’s capabilities and the global importance of their children learning to be capable, contributing, and independent and “owning” chores. The best initial chores to teach a child to own are those that are associated with specific events that occur daily. The first such event is simply getting up in the morning, but following that are meals, and again, particularly family meals. It is important to separate “helping” from “owning” a chore or job. Many children learn to follow specific helping directions and prompts even before the age of three and can be helpers. This period between three and five years, however, is an ideal time to teach your child not only how to do chores, but to own them. In response to the questions asking what chores children have, I often hear such things as “Johnny takes his dish to the sink.” My response to that is often, “If Johnny is capable of taking his dish to the sink, why not everyone else’s, and how about him completely cleaning the table?” Sadly, the parents’ response to that is often that Johnny eats alone, and if not, the parents do not even perceive that Johnny could do it if taught. They totally miss the understanding of the huge benefits Johnny would derive from doing it.

Unless children learn otherwise, they are egocentric, believing that the world revolves around them. Unfortunately, egocentric children can become narcissist adults. At three or even before, most children are ready to learn and own jobs and to learn that they can contribute; and they will learn to welcome and seek other ways to serve and contribute.

Ownership of a chore or job means that the child owns a particular task and preferably that they alone do it, so if they don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, which creates a problem. One of the first meal-associated jobs is teaching the child how to put silverware away from the dishwasher. Most children enjoy doing this job and can see that they are contributing and like it. Other meal—associated jobs that children in the 3-5 year range can do includes setting the table, cleaning the table, cleaning the floor under the table (even three year olds can learn to use a dust buster well), moving into washing dishes, loading, and unloading a dishwasher and even initial food preparation. Family meals can provide consistent opportunities for children to learn that they can be capable, contributing, members of the family. The earlier our children learn to happily and competently contribute, the sooner they start on the path of learning to be responsible, altruistic and selfless, self-reliant, contributing members of the family and society. Learning to be responsible with definitive chores helps children understand intention, which generalizes to other things including academics.

The more our children learn to do independently, particularly things that go beyond their own needs, the more they perceive what they could do, and the more things they initiate doing on their own, creating attributes that will serve them well in everything they do.

Part 3

Five Years to Eighteen Years +

Language development and social skills, processing (short-term memory, working memory and executive function), communication between parents and children, education, learning family values and history, learning critical thought and expression, becoming highly capable.

Theoretically a child moving from five years through adolescence to eighteen year of age is taking a young child and creating an adult. Unfortunately, there are not many eighteen-year-olds who we can confidently consider adults today; and that number appears to be shrinking every year. If you have a child five years of age, it’s not too early to remind you that your job is to put together the pieces to turn that child into a functional adult, who is equipped to go off to college or trade school by themselves, seek full time employment, start a business, join the military, or explore other adult options. These years pass at an amazing speed, and the target needs to be kept within the sights. This job requires putting together a lot of pieces. At NACD we know the need to work with the whole individual and the need to have someone at the helm steering the ship. No one knows a child as well as the parent. Teachers, relatives, coaches, clergy, and friends do not know as many pieces of the child as do actively involved parents. I have built several houses which have all come out well. Each one required my vision and design, the help of an architect, an engineer, a head contractor, and sub-contractors. The vision for the houses were mine, and I needed and used the various folks to help put the projects/visions together; but the houses were my babies and from concept to completion they were my responsibility. If they had not turned out as I envisioned, it was my fault and no one else’s. Building a house, even a large, complex house, is nothing compared to helping to assist a child in becoming a happy, successful, capable adult. And the need for attention to detail and ongoing participation cannot be overstated. One needs not to look too hard at society in general to see and hopefully understand the need to have actively involved parents steering the ship.

Language development and social skills

One of the most important jobs as parents is simply to talk to our children. In our busy lives meals are often the best, if not the only, regular opportunities parents have to get and hold the attention of their five-to eighteen-year-old and speak with them. A parent innately knows how to speak to a specific child. You innately use sentences of a length they can process and language they can understand. You have a pretty good idea as to what your child knows and doesn’t know, so you know if they have a frame of reference for a topic or not. A parent with the knowledge of their whole child is better suited to provide this invaluable input than anyone else. We call this targeted input. This targeted input and verbal interaction creates the building blocks of language and much more. If we are verbally interacting with our children throughout the day, it is often language that is directing them to do something or stop doing something; and although there may be opportunities throughout the day, particularly for families who are home educating their children, to really talk and communicate, the family meal can and should be perceived as a daily unique opportunity to have Dad, siblings, and even extended family participate. Language development occurs most rapidly when verbal interaction is of interest to the child, meaning you are talking about things your child has a frame of reference for, knowledge and interest in, and when the actual language being used is targeted to them. Parents almost universally use language that their children can understand and process, and constantly, even though they are rarely aware of it, they use language that is always just a notch above their child’s, which helps develop their language skills. This targeted interaction can be tremendously more efficient in building the child’s language structure and vocabulary than most group classroom instruction or interaction between children. Such group or child-to-child interaction is either not targeted to an individual or, as in the case of verbal interaction between children, they are modeling sentence structure and language that is not developmentally advantageous and perhaps not even acceptable. Children often speak to each other in abbreviated code, economizing on words and using vocabulary that Webster would scratch his head over. That’s not exactly conducive to proper language development.

Verbal interaction during a family meal is also an opportunity for parents to model and guide their children in proper table manners and acceptable ways to have a discussion, to agree or disagree appropriately. We all have many patterns of behavior that affect virtually all aspects of our lives. Children interacting with other children without the benefit of quality targeted parental modeling and feedback can lead to negative patterns of behavior, which can be difficult to modify or develop.

Processing (short-term memory, working memory, and executive function)

A major key to global development and function is processing power. Most children today have better visual than auditory processing power as a reflection of opportunity or lack of such. Children generally develop visual processing before auditory simply because until they can understand language, they learn and understand their world based on what they see.

As children develop, we need to provide as much targeted auditory language input as possible to balance these critical pieces. Ultimately, auditory processing is the more significant piece relative to cognitive development. Auditory processing facilitates thinking in words, and as it develops, so does the complexity of thought, language, maturity, behavior, attention span, and so on. The importance of auditory processing cannot be overstated. And what builds auditory processing? Targeted language input. Targeted language input is that which builds auditory processing. I believe that over the past decades as we have seen the increase in mothers working outside of the home, we have seen a corresponding increase in attention disorders, which are largely a reflection of auditory processing issues. You attend to what you can process, and the more and better you can process, the longer you attend. Parents talking to children is hugely important to the development of processing and its associated pieces. To learn more about processing, please read the associated article.

Communication between parents and children

If you are aware of a problem, have a misunderstanding or a question or just feel out of touch with someone you work with or a friend, your first thought should be to talk about it.

As important as it is to establish this relationship and open and maintain the avenues of communication, this often does not exist between many parents and their children. Ongoing, regular family meals do, again, provide rather special opportunities to establish this open communication. Parents can throughout the course of busy daily interaction with their children throw out questions in an attempt to find out what is happening with their children, but often this is not sufficient to facilitate good responses and open good lines of communication. As a case in point, ask the majority of kids upon their return from school about what they did at school and most parents get the same response—“nothing.”

Family meals can be used to open these critical lines of communication. If families simply talk during meals, the meal becomes this regular time to talk and communicate, and a question like “What did you do at school today?” is much more likely to produce a very different answer and open the door to further exploration, teaching the child how to express feelings and problems and to share their lives with their siblings and parents.

Education 

Most parents miss the boat when it comes to taking advantage of their unique position in helping, if not taking the lead, in their child’s education.

To understand how significant the parent’s role can be in education, let’s start by separating “what was taught” from “what was learned.” Schools and most curriculums are packed full of tons of “stuff,” and we tend to confuse all of this “stuff” that was “taught” with what was learned. If you learned something, you know it. If you don’t know it, you didn’t learn it. Pick a subject, any subject, from the explorers, to anatomy and physiology, trigonometry, astronomy, chemistry, or whatever you were “taught” and today write down everything you remember about that subject. This might not take long. Some of these things you might have been “taught” for years, and what do you remember? Perhaps not much, and certainly the more years that have passed since you were “taught” these things, the less you remember. But what you remember is very important and significant.

We tend to remember the more important pieces, the pieces that were reviewed over time, that were practical, interesting, or relevant to you—knowledge and information that helps you make connections between what you learned and understanding your life and the world today. These gems should be shared with your children, before, during and after they have been “taught” these things as part of their curriculum. “Did you know that…”. “Would you believe…” “That reminds me of…” are all phrases you can use at these family meals to introduce subjects; and over the course of a few meals, you can plant seeds, create interest and relevance, or even provide an entire foundation so that when these gems are part of your child’s curriculum they have more relevance and significance; and perhaps because of your meal discussions, your children will learn more of what is “taught.”

Talking at meals is different for your child than when you are sitting down to “teach.” Topics at dinner are presented in a more relaxed manner and are felt to be more like sharing than “teaching.” For this reason they are generally more welcome and have a greater impact. Another great benefit of sharing your knowledge at meals is that you get to pick and choose the topics. There is nothing wrong and everything right about first teaching your children about your interests, interests that you hope would be shared by your children and lead to lifelong shared interests and sources for ongoing interaction between you and your children. It’s often more important for your child to learn about your family business, your favorite sport, or any other of your interests and things that bring you joy and that you can possibly share with them for the rest of your lives than many of the subjects taught in school.

Family values and history

I recently had two visits from family members who I haven’t seen for many years. I live in Utah and most of my family still lives in the greater Philadelphia area where I’m from. It was great seeing them and reconnecting. A lot of our time together was spent sharing memories and getting confirmation of our joint recollections. The foundation of many of our memories came from recollections of extended family meals that generally occurred around holidays. These events were always opportunities to explore family history and values and to connect as a family. Family history offers perspective, perspective that is often missing from our lives. One of my visitors was a cousin whom I was very close to as a child and who I haven’t seen for about forty years. His short visit offered an opportunity to get him and his wife together with my extended Utah family and explore family history together over dinner. As it happened, my cousin, a recently retired judge, had done some searching and discovered that both our fathers had lived as children with their parents and grandfather in a very modest 700 square foot row home in Philadelphia. His father became a physical therapist and mine a physician. Both were innovators, and their service made great contributions to the treatment of brain injured children and others, and all from their very humble beginnings. Our families’ histories are rarely documented, and if not for the verbal communication of our families’ legacies that often only gets communicated at family meals, most of it gets lost; and our children and grandchildren are deprived of the history and perspective that helps give meaning to their lives and has the power to influence their futures.

Learning critical thought and expression

We want to create a safe welcoming environment around our family meals that produces a safe place for the exchange of ideas and views. Today more than ever, our children are exposed and often bombarded with a plethora of opinions and views that they have difficulty sifting through. Without a safe place to communicate what they have heard and a forum to openly discuss these views, they are often left with simply accepting what they hear at face value and following the latest and loudest voice.

Family meals can provide our children with the forum they need to safely talk about what they have seen and heard and learn how to speak of it and, with help, to critically evaluate it, form their own opinions, and learn how to appropriately express those opinions. Through healthy discourse with people they love and trust, they can also learn how to respect and value other opinions and learn not to be threatened by differing opinions. As parents, at family meals we need to understand that we are models, and how we react and what we say, and how we say it will teach our children how to think critically and express their views and listen to others. Often our softly spoken, non-confrontive words provide the food for thought that our children can later digest.

Becoming highly capable

Several years ago, I was a keynote speaker at the Washington State Conference on the Gifted and Talented and had the opportunity to help the educators see the correlation between cognitive processing and creating higher functioning students. At that conference they were using a new term, replacing “gifted and talented” with the term “highly capable.” I liked the term and have since redefined it and now use it more globally to mean essentially an individual who knows how to function in their world independently and competently. As I see it, helping our children become highly capable adults means that we are teaching them from an early age how to be independent in all aspects of their daily lives, understand responsibility, and develop qualities that will permit them to be confident, capable, and successful adults.

Relative to the discussion at hand of family meals, we can start the process of creating highly capable adults when our children are 5 years old. Hopefully by 18 we have succeeded in helping our child well down the road of becoming highly capable. As mentioned in the previous 3–5-year section, we can start teaching chores that the children own associated with meals. As we proceed in the development of our children, we want to continue to build on this by progressively adding to these pieces. By the time our children are 18, they should know how to plan meals, shop intelligently, understand budgets, prepare meals from A-Z, and clean-up and much more; but we can use the family meals as the foundation.

I had one of our NACD graduates who chose to go off to start her college career in England from her home in the U.S. An 18-year-old with the guts to go off to college in another country says something about confidence and capability. Shortly after beginning life in her new dorm, she made a discovery that most of the other students were lost. They had kitchens in the dorms, but the other students didn’t know how to cook or even buy food for that matter and couldn’t budget. The result was that they ate out and burned through their monthly allowance halfway through the month and had to beg Mom and Dad to send more money. As our highly capable young lady discovered, these other students also didn’t know how to clean or take care of their rooms or wash and iron their clothes. They also didn’t know how to be responsible for organizing their time, getting up in the morning on time, studying, and doing class assignments. She ended up holding classes for her dorm-mates to teach them how to take care of themselves and how to become more capable. Learning the pieces involved, learning to be responsible for all these pieces surrounding planning and seeing a meal accomplished from concept to fruition can be a significant piece that fosters the confidence and independence that can help turn a helpless child into a highly capable adult. Independence produces initiation, which in turn creates the impetus to learn more and assume more and more responsibilities.

Use family meals as the foundation to start building an adult. Do not underestimate what your children are capable of doing if given the opportunity and the responsibility. They will rise to your level of expectation.

Adults

The fabric that largely defines and holds our society together is the family. The fabric that is the family is woven together, built, and reinforced by the threads of our ongoing connection and interactions as a family. This connection needs to be reinforced and built upon on a regular basis. Sadly, for many, the connection between family members often only consists of short calls or text messages. The need for real connection is perhaps greater today than ever before, as we all shift though the bombardment of media that on a daily basis questions and even attacks many of the basic tenets that have formed the foundations of our beliefs.

Speak with most any adult about their close family times and recollections growing up and they will often speak of family meals, particularly meals with the extended family.

Speak with seniors and you will discover that past family meals are memories that last when others have long faded away. You will also discover that if such family meals are now available with children, grandchildren, and extended family that these events don’t just keep them connected to family, but to themselves.

Our sense of self, our identity, who we are and continue to be is woven into the fabric of the family.

The family meal is the foundation upon which our family is built and upon which we learn to know and maintain ourselves.

What’s for dinner?

Family Conversations App

If you’re looking for questions to get the conversation started, we built something for that: Family Conversations

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 35 No. 3 , 2022 ©NACD

The post The Most Important Meal of the Day is Not Breakfast, It’s the Meal(s) the Family Has Together appeared first on NACD International | The National Association for Child Development.

by Bob Doman

Whether you have a gifted or typical child, a child with learning or attention issues or special needs, parents need to understand what their role is, and the role, if any, of schools.

More and more parents are realizing that the one size fits all education—just plug them in and let the chips fall where they may—just may not be doing the job for their children. Some parents are ready to explore the options and are looking for a long-term plan, while others want to help their children catch up or give them a boost so they can return them to school, but at the top of the heap.

This may be the time for a change.

Questions every parent should ask themselves:

Is parental involvement in a child’s development important?

Absolutely, and the more the parents are involved with their child’s development and education, the better. Parental involvement is the single greatest factor affecting a child’s development, education, and future.

Can parents be educators/teachers?

Parents are the child’s first, best, and most important educators/teachers. Who teaches children to understand and speak their language, a foreign language? Who teaches your children how to take care of themselves from feeding themselves to toilet training, to dressing, bathing, and grooming, etc.? Who teaches your child how to behave appropriately? Who teaches your children how to throw a ball, set the table, do the dishes, mow the lawn? Who teaches your children about family, respect, compassion, responsibility, faith, religion, and probably at least the basics of reading and math and more and more and more? The truth is that on graduation from high school, measuring what your child has learned as opposed to what they were “taught” and have forgotten, the odds are that what the children actually learned from involved parents significantly outweighs what the schools “taught.” Your child’s future as an adult is more a reflection of lessons learned from parents than schools. 

Who knows your whole child best?

Involved parents know their child the best and are the only people who know their whole child.

Do teachers, therapists, psychologists, and doctors know your whole child?

No, they temporarily deal with pieces of your child, not your whole child. How often have you had a new teacher or any other professional for that matter go out of their way to ask you, the experts, about your child?

Who needs to be in charge and steering the ship, those who only think they understand your child, looking at pieces, or parents who know their whole child?

Parents. Those dealing with pieces of your child never do or can understand your whole child.

Whose vision of the child should be directing the outcomes?

Parents, your child is your child. Those working with your child should be helping you fulfill your vision.

Have parents been largely encouraged to abdicate their roles to the professionals over the last 50 years?

Yes, the trend has been to let the professionals take charge. Parents are often perceived as irrelevant or even as interfering pieces of the equation.

Are the teachers, schools, psychologists, etc. responsible for your child’s education and future?

These folks will often tell parents that they, the experts, are responsible, and you need to trust their training, their vision, and that you and your child need to follow their direction. The system doesn’t grade the teachers, psychologists, and therapists based on how your child does, they grade your children. They, the professionals, don’t fail, your child does. While they are well meaning, their role is limited and transient. Transients working with pieces of your child are not responsible for your child’s future. If they fail in their job, your child won’t be living in their basement when they’re thirty.

Should schools be viewed as a tool in the parent’s toolbox that they can choose to use or not, and if so to what extent?

For many families today, school is an option, not a foregone conclusion. Some families do not have a choice, but for those who do, school needs to be perceived as optional—there if and when needed.

If you take your child out of school, how hard is it for them to return?

In most states if you decide to take your child out of school, you can do it tomorrow. Just let the school know that you are going with another plan. In a few states it is a tad more involved, but not much. And generally, to put them back in requires nothing more than contacting the school. For some children a placement test may be part of the process; but every child can attend public school when the parents choose, with the possible temporary exception of children who have been expelled. The bottom line is that it is rarely an issue to remove your child from school or to put them back in. 

Ultimately who is responsible for your child and their future?

You are!

Do children with learning and attention problems, with special needs or the gifted require schools to address their specific individual needs?

The reality is the educational system is not able to individualize and provide for “typical” children, let alone those with greater needs. Children in need of specific therapies need those therapies multiple times per day, not once or twice a week for 30 minutes. That is what the school can provide, not what the children need. At best schools can plug children into different levels of their curriculum or change the pace, but they do not and cannot create curriculums to fit individual children.

Is group/classroom, or set curriculum an efficient, effective way to educate?

Group/classroom instruction is a means to mass education but is by no means the best way to educate an individual. Individual targeted education is by far more efficient and effective, and the younger the child the more important it is. Two minutes of targeted 1:1 education for younger children or those with special needs can easily be more effective than an hour of group, set curriculum-based education.

Do children need to attend schools for their social development?

Social interaction in most schools occurs at minimally supervised times, such as recess, in the hallways and restrooms. If your child is not learning how to interact socially at home, they will often have social issues at school. And school provides a great opportunity for bullying, and the greater your child’s need for positive social interaction, the greater the targets they are for exclusion and bullying. There are many supervised social opportunities that exist outside the school setting that afford better opportunities for social engagement than school, including church groups, Scouts, 4H, community sports, and martial arts, not to mention family, extended family, and so on

What education can and should be: home-based education

Many parents who had previously just assumed that their children had been receiving a good, if not quality, educational opportunity are starting to pay attention. “Virtual” schooling gave many parents a better look into their child’s curriculum than ever before; and many were rather shocked at how inappropriate much of it was for their child and how far it was removed from fitting or targeting their child.

The reality is that mass education, schools, and set curriculums are not producing good or what should be considered acceptable results for most children, even if our children apparently are doing well. The United States in 2018 ranked 30^th in math, 8^th in reading, and 11^th in science internationally. So much for the myth that we have a great educational system. It is certainly nothing to brag about. And to maintain perspective, think about what countries might rank above the U.S. and how good their educational systems actually are.

Many families are beginning to really examine school as they now see it to be and are considering alternatives. At the same time many work and home situations have changed; and as a result, more and more parents are finding that they can work from home for at least part of the day, or that they can do fine on one salary,weighing a new car when the old one runs just fine against assuming a more active role in their child’s education and future. If one parent could be home educating the children, even if for part of the day, it opens alternatives that may not have been perceived before. We tend to forget what was, but to gain perspective, in 1967 49% of mothers were stay-at-home moms. That number dropped to 23% in 1999 and has climbed a bit, but is still only 29%.

Many parents see their options as perhaps more limited than they need to be. The options list often includes public school, charter schools, or private schools, which are often prohibitively expensive and not necessarily better than public schools. Or there are home-based online schools that just plug children into a curriculum and keep them attached to a screen all day. Or traditional homeschool that tends to take up most of the child’s and parent’s day and just replaces one packaged curriculum for another. Packaged curriculums that children are plugged into are the bane of education and disregard our children as unique individuals. They ignore neuroplasticity and the value of targeted input, the child’s interest in and relationship to the input, affecting the intensity of the input and the effect on the brain.

What most folks think of as homeschool is not at all what home-based education started out being or can be. Homeschool as most parents think of it is essentially recreating school at home. A ton of curriculum/”stuff” that no one really expects the child to learn, nothing targeted, nothing specific to the child, and like school, most likely to produce less than stellar results.

What’s the latest U.S. literacy rate?

There is one huge piece missing from school and many homeschool curriculums—the child. What is taught, when, and how should be based on the child, the child’s level of development, their processing ability (link to Processing article), the child’s level of academic function, the child’s interests, the understanding of the needs of the whole child, and the vision. The needs of the whole child go way beyond curriculum, including turning the child on to learning, making them readers, and learning to love learning, learning that they don’t need to be hand fed to learn (they can do it themselves), teaching the child how to think, be responsible, including owning chores, and how to take care of themselves from cooking to laundry. From how to earn, save, invest, and how to learn about and even engage in entrepreneurship, to having an adult rather than peers teach them about appropriate behavior, morality, faith, respect, values, family, etc. Providing them with an opportunity to develop strong processing, short-term and working memory, which translates into greater maturity, better executive function, and simply, being smarter; and to have the encouragement and flexibility to explore and develop their interests, talents, and passions.

Achieving our vision for our children requires much more than classes and grades, and if we understand the reality of the needs of our whole child, we understand the reality that the time and energy required by school or packaged curriculum does not leave the time and energy to put together the whole package, the whole child. Targeting academic education to fit the child is so efficient that the time needed to educate them per day is a fraction of what school or typical home school requires.

The parent’s job is to turn their children into happy, well adjusted, successful, contributing adults who have the tools to succeed at something they are passionate about. Giving birth is just the beginning; the job, the responsibility, and the privilege of parenting involves years of active participation.

Unfortunately, many parents do not start off with a vision. But all parents need a vision of what their child—this wonderful, unique new person—can be. Start with that vision, then actively work with your child, getting to know them and permitting them to learn and understand, and you can then together continue to develop the vision and bring it to fruition.

As someone once said, “Look where you’re going and go where you’re looking.” Take responsibility and take charge.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 35 No.2, 2022 ©NACD

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