by Bob Doman

Rewards and consequences are the tools we have as parents, or, for that matter, as a society, to provide feedback, guidance, encouragement, and instruction, and to maintain order. Lack of consistent quality feedback leads to ambiguity, confusion, poor outcomes, and potentially chaos.

We need to reward the behaviors or things our children do that we like and want to see increase. Behaviors we do not like or want also require appropriate feedback. Rewards and consequences are the tools we have, the power we must use to teach our children, encourage them to do more of what we want, and dissuade them from doing things that are harmful or that will negatively impact their lives and futures.

What is a behavior? 

Everything we do can be defined as a behavior. For our children, it’s everything from walking and talking to reading, following directions, complying with requests and rules, and interacting with us and others—essentially, everything they do. 

Sadly, to many, the word “behavior” implies “bad behavior.” “Johnny has a behavior problem.” As stated, virtually everything our children do, whether it is helpful or harmful, is a behavior and is influenced by our response to it.

Feedback

Without feedback, children are in a vacuum, not knowing “Should I?” “Shouldn’t I?” “Does it matter?” or “Who cares?” Lack of quality feedback deprives the child of guidance and produces insecurity, anxiety, doubt, and poor outcomes. Unfortunately, many children receive poor or inconsistent feedback from their parents, schools, and society as a whole. 

Credibility—positive environment

To a significant degree, our influence is determined by our credibility. To create credibility, it is important to establish your primary role as loving, supportive, encouraging, and being on their side. The core of your child’s perception essentially reflects how positive or negative your overall interaction is with them. To have a positive environment, you should create a ratio of positive to negative feedback of 3:1 or 4:1 or greater. Part of the positive-to-negative equation is intensity. The stronger the reaction/feedback intensity, the stronger the impact. Ten smiles or “good” or “nice,” will not, in balance, equal one major hissy fit. Sadly, many parents reserve the intensity for the negative reactions. 

When responding to a behavior, a very important note is that our primary focus is not to specifically encourage or stop that immediate behavior, but to build those behaviors or extinguish them over time. Our measure of success or failure is the long-term results. Are we seeing more of the positive behaviors and less of the negative behaviors? If not, we have not succeeded and need to modify our response and feedback.

Consistency

A phrase often heard by parents from their children is, “It’s not fair.” It’s a safe assumption that you are not being consistent if you hear this from your child. Children seem to have an innate understanding of injustice, and inconsistency is at the top of their list of injustices. “I did this yesterday, and it was okay; why am I being punished for the same thing today?” Consistency is vital to build credibility, not appear unjust, and have the child accept and learn from your response. 

Did you mean it?

Many responses children receive for their “bad” or inappropriate behaviors are what I refer to as the equivalent of a 5-cent speeding ticket. Many of the supposed positive responses are not much stronger. I have referred to intensity as one of the foundational pieces of neuroplasticity. If something happens without sufficient intensity, our brains do not respond or change, and no learning occurs. One of the best gauges of the effectiveness of your responses is whether they worked. I often hear from parents things like, “I keep punishing the behavior, but he still does it.” If this is true, then you have not actually punished the behavior. You may have said or done something but did not punish the behavior. The definition of punishment is a response or consequence to a behavior that decreases the frequency of the behavior. If you haven’t changed it, you haven’t punished it, and doing something negative that doesn’t improve the behavior is cruel, and counterproductive, creates a negative environment, destroys your credibility and effectiveness, and harms your relationship with your child. 

The best consequences are the ones you only need to use once or twice. Do not be afraid when a consequence is warranted to go big. As an example, an age-old consequence has been writing sentences. Johnny picks on his little sister, creating all kinds of issues for the family. His consequence might be to write the sentence 10 times: “I have to be nice to Mary, and I cannot and will not pick on her.” I suspect that for many boys, this task would result in a lot of grumbling, and ten minutes later, they would be finished, and fifteen minutes later, Johnny would be picking on Mary again. What if Johnny had to write that sentence 300 or more times? This would probably take many hours; Johnny will have missed some things he would have liked to do, like his baseball game, and had said to himself 300 times while writing it, “I have to be nice to Mary, and I cannot and will not pick on her.” We call this frequency, and frequency changes the brain, which means learning occurs. Hopefully, this consequence will only be used once or twice to change the behavior.

It should be noted that consequences may only be effective if the overall balance between positive and negative, as mentioned, is 3:1 or 4:1 or greater. In a negative environment, the child may learn that they only get real attention if they do something “bad.” In this scenario, bigger consequences can result in more “bad” or worse behavior.

“Bravo”

We work with many families in Europe, and as we do with all our families, we have them post videos to their NACD Portal showing us how they implement the various activities we give them. When reviewing these videos, the word we often hear as they implement their child’s activities is “Bravo.” “Bravo” is a nice positive word, which essentially means, “Well done.” However, what we often see is “Bravo’’ meaning “you tried but got it wrong,” or “Bravo” meaning “we’re done,” or “Bravo” meaning “let’s do what’s next,” and “Bravo” meaning “good,” or “you did well,” or “you got it right.” In a thirty-second video we could hear ten “bravos.” This is not terribly effective. Although the tone is positive, which we strongly encourage, there isn’t much delineation between positive, negative, and neutral feedback. In such situations, it’s not that we want or need strong negative feedback for getting something wrong; it’s a matter that the positive needs to be much stronger. The response to “wrong” should be simple acknowledgment, such as “Oops, let’s try again,” but the response for getting something correct or done well should be robust and powerful.

Attention

Any attention is potentially reinforcing. Attention must be given with the knowledge that it has the potential to be reinforcing regardless of the intention. Many of our children’s negative behaviors begin as simple attention-getting behaviors. A child’s smile can elicit a smile from Mom. The smile got Mom’s attention, and she smiled back or picked up the child and rewarded the behavior, building that behavior. Johnny burps, and Mom responds, “Johnny, don’t burp.” The burp elicited attention from Mom, which potentially reinforced their behavior. “Johnny, don’t burp” is not a consequence. It’s attention, and any attention from a parent is potentially reinforcing. Of greater consequence are the parent’s response to minor possible hurts—hurts being little physical bumps, to a hurt feeling. If Mom overreacts, picks up the child and loves all over them, the odds are good that the crying doesn’t stop, but increases because of Mom’s attention. This reinforces the child’s overreaction, which essentially is a lie, and can potentially help teach children to lie. These children often become the “drama queens” because it works. Parents mistakenly perceive all the attention they give their children as a display of love and a good thing. Attention must be given judicially, understanding that it can be very influential.

In negative environments, attention gains even greater significance.

Opposite incompatible behaviors

Understanding the concept of opposite incompatible behaviors is very helpful for parents in focusing, creating a positive home environment, and successfully managing and developing their children.

Opposite incompatible behaviors reference the reality that you can’t be good and bad or try and not try, be responsible or irresponsible, etc., simultaneously. In our efforts to create good attitudes, work habits, and other behaviors, we always want to be aware of the opposite incompatible behaviors and focus primarily on building and reinforcing the positive preferred behaviors. This applies across the board, from behavior problems that need to be turned around to increasing focus on academics or responsibility with chores. When possible, focus on building what we want with positive attention/rewards, and when we need to use consequences, do so effectively and judicially.

• Create a positive environment.
• Provide consistent, definitive feedback.
• Be cognizant of the power of attention.
• Focus on rewarding the behaviors you want to build.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 37 No. 3, 2024 ©NACD

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by Bob Doman

My son won’t do what I tell him to do.

Mom said, “Stop it!” for the ten-thousandth time.

Why should I?

The kids are out of control.

You’re not the boss of me.

Susie won’t sit at the table and finish her meal.

I can’t get him to do anything.

Many parents feel powerless to get their children to obey. They try rewards and every “punishment*” under the sky, but the kids still ignore them and do what they want, when they want.

Even though I’ve heard it perhaps thousands of times, every time I hear an adult, a parent, tell me their little thirty-pound child won’t listen to them and that they can’t get their child to obey, follow directions, stop doing something harmful or dangerous, or do something important for their development and education, I am a bit taken aback. Whether your child is two, ten, or a teen you have power—if you wish to exercise it—to gain control.

Your child can’t eat something unless you buy it; they can’t watch TV, listen to music, play a video game, use an iPad or any screen for that matter unless you let them. They can’t go to the park or do many things unless you facilitate or permit it.

The things your child really likes are the things that provide you with parent power; if you are willing to use your power. Access to favorite foods or treats, access to screens, music, special toys, extra or special events, etc. are not in the category of necessities. They are things you as a parent can choose or not choose to provide. These things need to be perceived by you as special things you are providing for your child; not having them is not deprivation.

If I suggest to some parents that they need to withhold favorite items or activities and use them as rewards for compliance, cooperation, or trying, I will hear comments such as, “Johnny will throw a fit if I limit his screen time!” A parent who is afraid to control their child is the parent of a child who is doing a better job of using rewards and consequences with their parents than the parents are with them.

A rule of thumb with children’s behavior is that they do what works, regardless of how self-defeating it may appear to be. If you tell Johnny he can’t play with the iPad and he throws a fit, he is doing it because throwing a fit works; it gets you to do what he wants. He is punishing your behavior. When you need Johnny to keep himself occupied and stay out of trouble and he quietly spends hours on the iPad, he is rewarding your behavior of letting him do what he wants. If Johnny’s fits didn’t work, he would stop having them. The typical parental response to this is, “I don’t let it work, I don’t give him what he wants.” My response to the parents is, “How consistently do you not give in and let it work?” Even if the parent’s response is, “most of the time,” that isn’t enough. If Johnny believed you, he wouldn’t do it because he knows it’s not going to work. Kids are terrible with odds. You wouldn’t gamble on something with lousy odds, would you? It depends, doesn’t it? You might buy a Powerball ticket with odds of 1 in 292,201,338 with the chance of winning millions. Guess what? To your five-year-old, getting the iPad right this minute is more significant than 100 million dollars to them (at least in part because they may have spent so much time on it that they are now addicts).

Historically I haven’t found that taking everything away from children to be productive. It is and feels to them to be punitive and it doesn’t work. But controlling their one favorite thing, or a few of their favorite things, and having them earn them does work. There is a difference, a significant difference.

There are a few important principles for parents to learn in dealing with their child’s behavior.

Behavior Principle #1

First is the concept of opposite incompatible behaviors. If you take advantage of this concept, in many, if not most cases, you can reward a behavior rather than punishing an opposite behavior. Rewards almost always work better than punishments and they make us as parents feel much better. They also move us toward creating a positive environment.

Examples of Opposite Incompatible Behaviors:

• not staying in bed/staying in bed
• not doing a chore/doing the chore
• siblings fighting/siblings not fighting
• not cooperating/cooperating
• having a lousy attitude/having a good attitude

Behavior Principle #2

Second, if we are trying to start a new behavior, we start with a small demand and a big reward. In the category of behavior, we have everything from a child saying “please”, to a child playing nicely with a sibling, to taking off their socks, to working hard on a processing activity. As we get the new behavior started and are establishing a new behavior pattern, we decrease the intensity/size and the type of the reward.

Behavior Principle #3

Third, always couple a tangible reward such as a treat, a special privilege, or even money, with a “social” reward. A social reward means praise, a hug, a high five, etc. As we build the habit of the new behavior, we decrease or phase out the tangible reward and maintain the “social” reward, albeit perhaps at a less intense level.

Behavior Principle #4

Fourth, if we are using something they like and that is important for them as a reward, if that thing can only be accessed as a reward, it has much greater power than if it is just a way to get more of whatever.

How to Implement These Principles

Let me give you two examples of how to implement these principles:

Example 1:

You have taught little Susie how to make her bed and the expectation is that she will now make her bed before leaving her room in the morning. If Susie does not make her bed, do we come up with a punishment? Do we punish this “bad” behavior or find a way to reward the opposite incompatible behavior? After we have taught her how to make her bed independently, we tell her that we want her to make her bed by herself before she leaves her room and comes to breakfast. To help this brand-new behavior along, we kick-start it with a BIG reward. So, for example, you tell Susie what you want and that you are going to be very proud of her if she does this grown-up thing. If she does it, you will make her pancakes for breakfast with syrup, strawberries, and whipped cream. Then after breakfast, you will go to the park. When she comes out for breakfast, you go into her room with her to see if she has completed her job. If she has, you cheer, pick her up, twirl around and give her a big hug, then proceed to make her pancakes, and then head to the park, all the while taking opportunities to tell her how proud you are of her for making her bed. If it turns out she did not make her bed, say something like, “I’m sad you forgot to make your bed. I was going to be so happy to make you pancakes and go to the park, I bet you can remember to do it tomorrow. Without mentioning it, plain eggs for breakfast and no trip to the park; also do not make a big deal of it all. Any attention has the potential to be rewarding, so drop it and move on.

As we continue with Susie making her bed, we slowly decrease the size and frequency of the tangible reward and to some degree the intensity of the “social” reward. Day two of success may earn the pancakes with all the fixings and the trip to the park. Day three, the pancakes, without the strawberries and whipped cream, but no park. After day six or so, start making the pancakes randomly every two to three days, always praising her for the good job she is doing, and then slowly phase out the pancakes, leaving a new behavior pattern and small social rewards, shifting emphasis to new behaviors. We can now avoid the unhealthy pancakes again or save them to help start another new behavior, but only make pancakes when they are being used to build a new behavior—they’re special and have special power.

Example 2:

Sean spends every possible minute he can watching YouTube on the iPad and when you try to take it away so he can do some reading, chores or other productive activity, he throws a huge fit. Sometimes he wins immediately, and you give up and let him watch his favorite videos. Other times you take it away and fight with him for an hour until he sort-of does what you want and then is immediately back to his screen. Do we punish the negative behavior of throwing a fit and not giving up the iPad, or do be find a way to turn the iPad into power?

In Sean’s case we actually have a few issues. He is addicted to watching/perseverating with YouTube videos, he is being defiant, and he is wasting his day doing an unproductive and harmful activity rather than being present, engaged and learning. To compound the problem, the constant negative attention he was getting from fighting and often winning was making his world extremely negative. The negativity was teaching Sean to work for the negatives, not the infrequent positives. It was defining him to himself and others as a negative, unhappy, and uncooperative child. Used correctly, the iPad could not only provide us with power, but it can be used to develop new positive behaviors.

The first thing I would do with Sean, is to take away the iPad completely for a week or two to start breaking the addiction and to teach him that you, and not he, are in control. Take it away, lock it away, and tell him that he has been watching it too much and that it has become bad for him. Period. No further discussion, no arguments. Of course, he will throw a massive fit, but don’t argue, discuss, or give in. As soon as you convince him that he isn’t getting it (if you have an option like going with him and leaving the iPad at Granddad’s house, use it), he will stop fighting. Kids do what work, and when he decides that you aren’t giving in and that his fit isn’t going to work, he will stop. After a few days of peace, it’s time to use the power.

Our goal is to turn the negative behavior of Sean watching endless YouTube videos into the opposite incompatible behavior of working, cooperating, and doing things that are positive for his growth and development. For Sean there is probably a long list of things you would like to see him do, from specific chores, to reading, working on processing, to math. In the past, every one of these things had become negative and he would either have a tantrum and win or throw a fit and eventually sort of do what was asked, but neither well nor as an active participant.

To start on the road to the new Sean, we would define a task that is definitive, that is clearly accomplished correctly. Examples include things like doing five math problems correctly (make it easy), taking the trash out, or emptying the dishwasher. Sean is told that when he accomplishes his task well he will be permitted to play on the iPad for 10 minutes. If Sean enjoys playing good games or doing things other than watching YouTube, I encourage removing all of the offensive material, including YouTube, from the iPad before giving him access. Upon proper completion of the task, give Sean a lot of positive praise and then set a timer for 10 minutes and immediately let him play for the ten minutes. As you proceed with Sean, you would add more and more projects for him, and while maintaining all of the positive social rewards, you would also increase the demands and decrease the iPad time and start looking for other perhaps healthier rewards. As Sean’s world becomes more and more positive, he will hopefully start perceiving himself differently and being happy, while you are moving the tangible rewards in better directions and slowly phase them out completely. You should also be able to decrease the intensity of the social rewards. It’s important to note that another term for “social rewards” is “adult rewards.” As we teach Sean to be a positive active participant and how it feels to receive positive acknowledgement for his efforts, we are also teaching him to appreciate adult reinforcement and to become more mature and responsible.

Parents, learn not to jump when your child says, “jump.” If you are tired of your child pulling the strings and if you would like to gain control, help your child develop, and make his or her world and your world more positive, use the “power” and remember to use the four principles.

*Punishment—a consequence to a behavior that decreases the frequency of the behavior. If you continue to “punish” a behavior and it is not decreasing or being eliminated, you are in fact not punishing, but may be reinforcing a behavior with attention, possibly being abusive or punitive and definitely creating a negative environment.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 33 No. 7, 2020 ©NACD

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