I’ll be honest with you. Some nights, dinner at our house looks nothing like what I know it should be.

My daughter Arielle is nine. My son Lachlan just turned six. By the time we all sit down together, everyone is carrying the weight of the day. Lachlan is often a little hungry and short-fused by dinnertime, which any parent of a six-year-old will recognize instantly. Ari has her own version of the end-of-day wind-down. My wife Sadie and I are fielding the usual logistics. And somewhere in the middle of all of it, there’s a screen nearby with its particular pull, always available, always easier than the work of actual conversation.

I know this because I live it. And I know it because at NACD, we have spent more than four decades studying exactly what happens to children’s brains when the people around them talk to them, and what happens when they don’t.

What the Research Has Been Telling Us for Years

My father, Bob Doman, has written extensively about the family meal as one of the most important developmental events in a child’s day. In his piece The Most Important Meal of the Day Is Not Breakfast — It’s the Meal(s) the Family Has Together, he makes a case that most parents don’t fully appreciate: the dinner table isn’t just where you eat. It’s where your child’s brain learns to process language, build memory, attend to others, and begin to understand the structure of the world they live in.

The mechanism behind this is auditory processing, which is the brain’s ability to take in spoken language, hold it, interpret it, and respond to it. As Lori Eby Riggs has written in Auditory Processing — What Is It?, auditory processing underlies virtually everything we associate with a child’s cognitive function: attention span, language development, the ability to think in words, and the complexity of their reasoning. And what builds auditory processing more than anything else? Targeted language input. Real conversation. The kind that happens when a parent asks a child something genuine, listens to the answer, and pushes a little further.

There’s a line from that article on family meals that has stuck with me: “No one is better suited to this job than the people who know the child best; and no time may be better suited to this development than the family meal.”

That’s not a soft sentiment. That’s the neurodevelopmental science of 45 years of work with tens of thousands of families, distilled into one sentence.

And yet most family dinners don’t look like that. Most of them are one-word answers and glowing screens.

The Challenges Are Real

When I talk about the dinner table as a developmental opportunity, I’m not describing a magazine photograph of a family glowing with perfect conversation over a home-cooked meal. I’m describing something that requires real effort, most nights, against real resistance.

Here’s what I run into constantly, even knowing everything I know:

Devices

The pull is relentless. New studies are coming out by the day documenting how harmful screens are on developing brains, and yet the phone is still there, the tablet is still there, and children have absorbed from the culture around them that screens are the default way to fill any available moment. We have a no-devices rule at our dinner table, but that rule requires active enforcement every single time. It doesn’t just happen.

Exhaustion

By dinner, everyone is tired. Lachlan at six is a bright, curious kid, but by the end of the day he’s hungry and has run out of patience for things that don’t immediately interest him. Ari at nine wants to talk, but only about the specific things on her mind at that moment, and if the conversation doesn’t head there quickly, she checks out. Sadie and I are not exempt from this either. The desire to just sit quietly and not manage anything for ten minutes is something every parent understands.

The question problem

This is the one that took me the longest to name. Even when we manage to get everyone to the table without a device, even when the kids are present and willing, I often find myself asking the same questions: “How was your day? What did you do? What did you learn?” And getting the answers those questions deserve: “Fine. Nothing. I don’t know.” The questions aren’t bad. They’re just not good enough. They don’t open anything. They invite a one-word exit and everyone moves on.

This is where, in our work at NACD, we’ve always understood something important: the quality of input determines the quality of output. We say this constantly in the context of neurodevelopmental programs — the specificity of what you give a child’s brain matters enormously. It turns out this principle applies equally to conversation.

What Happens When You Get It Right

I want to tell you about something that changed at our dinner table, because it was Ari and Lachlan who taught it to me rather than the other way around.

We started asking about family history. Not heavily, not as a formal exercise. Just questions like: “What do you think Dad’s childhood was like? What do you think Grandpa did when he was your age? What stories do you think our family has that nobody has written down?”

What happened surprised me. Lachlan, who is full of ideas and moves quickly from one thought to the next, got completely still and started asking questions I didn’t expect him to have. Ari, who I sometimes struggle to keep at the table, leaned in. They wanted to know. They wanted to know us — the people who came before them, the choices that were made, the world that existed before they arrived in it.

What I also realized is that the questions didn’t just flow one direction. Ari started asking me things I hadn’t thought about in years. Lachlan wanted to know what my grandfather was like. The conversation became something genuinely mutual — kids asking parents, parents asking kids, everyone at the table actually curious about what the other person would say. That’s what good family history questions do. They make the parents as interesting as the children, and they give kids the feeling that their questions matter just as much as ours.

The family history conversation opened something that “How was your day?” never could. It gave them a sense of place in something larger than themselves. It built what NACD has long recognized as one of the most important things we can give a child: identity. A felt sense of who they are and where they come from.

Neurologically, what was happening is exactly what my father describes in his work on parents as the primary architects of their children’s development. See Where Have All the Mothers Gone? and 

Parents Are the Solution for the deeper framework. Autobiographical memory, sequential narrative, perspective-taking, the ability to hold a multi-part story in working memory and reason about it — these are all cognitive skills, and dinner conversation is one of the richest environments for developing all of them simultaneously.

The difference wasn’t the effort we put in. It was the quality of the question we started with.

What a Good Question Actually Does

At NACD, we think about intervention specificity constantly. The whole framework of Targeted Developmental Intervention — the approach that has guided our work for decades — is built on the idea that the more targeted and specific the input, the more targeted and effective the result. A vague program produces vague results. A precisely designed program, delivered consistently, produces real change.

The same logic applies to conversation.

A vague question like “How was school?” produces a vague answer. It asks nothing specific of a child’s brain. There’s no cognitive demand. They can answer it honestly and completely with a single syllable and move on.

A good question is different. A good question requires a child to retrieve a memory, construct a narrative, evaluate a perspective, or make a decision under constraints. “If you could change one rule in our house, what would it be and why?” asks Lachlan to do half a dozen cognitive operations before he opens his mouth. “Tell me about a time when you felt really proud of yourself — not because anyone told you to be, but because you just knew” asks Ari to access autobiographical memory, evaluate an emotional experience, and find the language to describe an internal state. These are not trivial tasks. These are exactly the kinds of tasks that build auditory processing, working memory, perspective-taking, and executive function — the foundational capacities that all of NACD’s work is built around.

For more on why these cognitive foundations matter so profoundly, read Processing Power: What Every Parent Needs to Know.

Why We Built an App

I’ll be direct about this, because I think the honesty matters.

We didn’t build Family Conversations because we thought parents didn’t know dinner conversation mattered. Most parents, at some level, already know. We built it because knowing isn’t enough. Knowing doesn’t solve the problem of sitting down at the table at 6:30pm, exhausted, with a six-year-old who has run out of patience and a nine-year-old who wants to talk about something specific you haven’t thought to ask about — and needing, in that moment, the right question.

The problem isn’t intention. The problem is the gap between intention and execution, in the moment when it’s hardest.

We also know, from 45 years of working with families, that parents are the most powerful force in a child’s development when they’re equipped with the right approach, the right tools, the right questions. That’s the entire NACD model — we don’t work with children directly. We train and equip the people who know those children best. As my father has written in All Our Mothers Need to Be 10s (and Our Dads Too!), the parent’s function is the first variable we look at — because the parent is the program.

Family Conversations is built on that same principle. Every question in the app is designed around a real cognitive or emotional skill: perspective-taking, moral reasoning, autobiographical memory, creative inference, values clarification. Every card includes follow-up prompts, so when the conversation stalls (and it will stall), you have somewhere to go. Each question is calibrated to your child’s age and developmental level. There’s a “Go Deeper” option for when your family is ready for more. And there’s a Quote Journal, because some of what your children say at the dinner table deserves to be kept.

One thing we were intentional about: the app is designed so the phone doesn’t have to be out at all. Family Conversations works on Apple Watch, so you can glance at a question on your wrist and leave your phone in the other room where it belongs. It also works beautifully on iPad, which is a natural fit for families who want something propped up at the table. Pull up a question, start the conversation, then set it aside and be present. That’s the whole idea.

The Table Is Where Your Family Lives

I think about my grandfather, Dr. Robert J. Doman, and the work he did as a physiatrist pioneering the field of brain injury rehabilitation. I think about my father, building on that work for half a century, developing the neurodevelopmental framework that has changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of families. And I think about what it means to be the third generation of this family devoted to the idea that children have unlimited potential — and that the people most positioned to unlock it are the ones sitting across from them at the dinner table every night.

Ronald Reagan once said, “All great change in America starts at the dinner table.” He was talking about politics. But he was right about something deeper: the dinner table is where families become families. It’s where children learn who they are, where they come from, what they believe, how to think, how to listen, how to disagree with someone they love, and how to tell a story that matters.

Put the devices away. Ask a better question. See what happens.

And if you need a little help with the question, we built something for that.

Try Family Conversations

Learn more and download the app here!
Available on iPhone, iPad, and Apple Watch. Designed for every family, every night.

Laird Doman is the third generation of his family devoted to the neurodevelopmental well-being of children worldwide. He lives with his wife Sadie and their children Arielle and Lachlan.

Related Reading at NACD

• The Most Important Meal of the Day Is Not Breakfast
• Auditory Processing — What Is It?
• Processing Power: What Every Parent Needs to Know
• Where Have All the Mothers Gone?
• Parents Are the Solution
• All Our Mothers Need to Be 10s (and Our Dads Too!)
• Confidence Through Chores

The post The Dinner Table Is the Most Underestimated Classroom in Your Home appeared first on NACD International | The National Association for Child Development.

“All great change in America starts at the dinner table.” 

— Ronald Reagan

If your children are infants, toddlers, of school age, or adults, or somewhere in between, family meals can be incredibly important. Whether our motivation is teaching a skill (such as eating or participating in meal preparation) or fostering family dynamics (such as communicating about the day, participating in discussions, building independent thinking), family meals may not just be the most important meals of the day, but the most important times of the day, or even their lives.

We are all aware that times have changed and that all the changes have not been for the better. Some of the more significant changes involve family, perception of family, and perhaps even the definition of family. There are many family traditions that are being lost in our fast-paced consumption-driven society. One very important piece that has been lost in many families is simply family meals. As a society and for the sake of our children, we need to revisit what has been the norm virtually throughout human history and has been lost to a great extent over just the last 50 years.

In many homes today, family meals are becoming more and more something that is part of family history or perhaps something reserved for special Sundays and holidays. For most families, breakfast is something you grab on the way out the door or something that gets shoved into children before they start the day. Today, rather than someone taking time to prepare a healthy breakfast meal for the family, most people grab the home equivalent of fast food. How about lunch? Lunch is rarely something that is done as a family. Everyone is off doing school, work, or whatever. In most families the best shot at getting the family together for a real meal is dinner. Let’s look at some of the problems being caused by the loss of family meals, as well as the benefits that we can derive from this old foundational family institution.

Over the past number of decades, I have observed an increase in several issues negatively affecting virtually all children that can be associated with missing family meals.

Just last night I had a family dinner with my son, Laird, his lovely wife Sadie, and my grandchildren, 5-year-old Arielle and just-turned-two Lachlan. Lachlan sat across the table and as he typically does, he kept an eye on me throughout the meal. The degree to which he observed me became obvious when he carefully nudged a piece of carrot to the edge of his plate, then onto the table with his fork. I had not had a chance to comment before he looked up at me and did an amazing job of imitating my head tilt and disapproving expression, which resulted in my smiling at him in spite of the fact that I knew I shouldn’t do it. (Lachlan fits “too cute for his own good.”) This was followed by my tilting my head and making different expressions that Lachlan mimicked beautifully. This went on for about 90 seconds, following which he picked the piece of carrot up and put it back on his plate. The degree to which children observe us and learn from us when we are in close proximity is greatly underestimated. Rarely throughout a typical day do these opportunities present themselves as they do during a family meal.

Although at two Lachlan has yet to learn that experimentation has its limits at the dinner table, there are many things he has learned from eating meals with his family and observing, things that many children who are fed by themselves or eat by themselves often do not learn until much later, and some of which are sadly never learned.

Optimally a family meal entails having the whole family together—Mom, Dad and all the kids. The only thing that generally beats this is when the extended family is included, as this grandfather can attest. Although we realistically can’t always, or even often, create the ideal, the closer we can come to it, the better. A parent, or a parent and a sibling, having a meal with a child is preferable to the child just eating alone or being fed, while the parent or caregiver simply attends to getting the food into the child. Part of this equation is delineating between eating as in consuming food vs. sharing a meal together, a learning experience. Eating is a process by which you get food from your hand, a utensil, or some container to your stomach, generally as quickly and as unceremoniously as possible. Having a meal together, sharing a meal, is often the most educational part of the day for children and parents alike. I grew up in the ’50s outside of Philadelphia. In the ’50s most mothers’ job was the family—period. Moms had time to cook and to sit down and share good meals with their family. Sunday dinners and extended family dinners often meant coats and ties for the guys and dresses for the girls. These meals were treated as significant events, even if they were frequent. I recall as a child learning early on that at a meal you talked. There was no TV, you didn’t read at the table, and an effort was made to include everyone in some form or level of discussion. Everyone participated or received some attention. I was in a restaurant recently and was shocked by a large family that was seated near us. You might not define eating at home as “dining,” although one would hope to approximate that as often as possible; but if a family goes to a restaurant and makes that financial and time investment, you might hope that the experience would approximate “dining.” On this particular evening while I was dining with my family, I noticed the large family next to us that consisted of both parents and six children who ranged from about six to sixteen. All sat the entire time staring at their phones. It would have been bad enough if they had answered calls, but not a word was spoken. Throughout the entire time they were in the restaurant, the only words spoken were to the waitress who took their orders. This was not a family sharing a meal together; it was an opportunity missed and lost, and sadly a statement about this family and many others.

Let’s look at our children of various ages and families at different stages and explore the significance of the family meal.

• Part 1 Infants and Toddlers
• Part 2 Three to Five Years
• Part 3 Five to Eighteen +

Part 1

Infants and Toddlers

Learning to chew, self-feeding, eating a variety of nutritional foods, auditory processing and language development

Learning to chew

As part of our program at NACD, which entails working with the whole child, we have families post many videos of their children on our NACD Portal. These videos provide our staff with vital information and insights that help us educate the family and assist in the child’s development. Observing many parents spoon feeding their little ones is often a bit of a painful experience. In these instances, it is very apparent that the obvious goal is to get the food from the bowl to the child’s stomach as quickly as possible. To accomplish this goal, the parent is often using an amazingly large spoon. Not only do we observe food being shoveled into the child’s mouth, but the rate at which the food is shoved in is such that the child has no opportunity to learn how to use their tongue to manipulate the food in the mouth. Learning how to use the tongue is a significant component of a child learning to chew and to speak. In order for the child to progress from purees, to chewable foods, to self-feeding, they need to learn how to chew. Chewing is a very important part of digestion, and children who do not chew well often have digestive issues and constipation. In addition, chewing is the first big piece of oral motor development that establishes the foundation for good articulation. If Johnny was being fed while some of the family was eating, it would be a much slower process with a significantly different goal. The goal would be to assist the child in eating, teaching them how to eat, and interacting, not simply filling their stomach. The children who are fed as previously described often are very slow to learn how to chew because they are not only being deprived of the opportunity to learn how, but deprived of the opportunity to observe Mom, Dad, and big sister chew.

Expanding taste, accepting a variety of foods

A side effect of delayed chewing is the slow introduction of a variety of identifiable foods. Pureed foods all tend to look and feel the same in the mouth and are often all mixed so that the child cannot differentiate between specific flavors and odors. It’s experiencing a wide variety of food, textures, tastes, and smells that develops the acceptance of a wide range of food and teaches the child not only to eat, but enjoy a variety of nutritional foods. Guess what else the child who is fed alone misses? The opportunity to observe what other people eat and enjoy. The nature of the beast is to want what others have; and observing what other family members have and then being offered the same thing contributes to the child’s trying and enjoying different foods and textures. The child who is fed and eats alone is deprived of these very important opportunities that can lead to picky eaters and lifelong rejection of many nutritious foods. The first tastes that a child perceives are sweet and salty. Delaying the introduction of other tastes often leads to the child rejecting the more nutritious foods and craving sweet and salty food.

Self-feeding

As we move from baby to infant to toddler, we want to be teaching the child how to feed themselves, moving from finger foods to utensils. Self-feeding is a very important step toward independence. The more independent a child becomes, the more the child initiates doing more things on their own; and nothing is perhaps more significant to independence than feeding oneself. The longer a child (or adult for that matter) is dependent, the harder it is to foster independence, initiation, change, and progress. The more the child initiates, the faster their global development. There are many other pieces to this, including the child who eats alone and is trained to need a distraction for meals, such as a screen or toys.

Moving along in the child’s development, eating with the family teaches many important things, from how to eat appropriately with utensils, to table manners, to simply sitting at the table until the meal is finished. Children learn how to be civilized from adults who are and who model appropriate behaviors. Eating with your child is an important modeling and teaching opportunity.

Family meals often present one of the most important opportunities for the child to observe and learn. Young children learn visually, by observing. If a child is eating alone and not sitting next to family members who are feeding themselves, they do not even have a mental picture of someone feeding themselves. As a result, they are slow to initiate self-feeding and are content to continue being fed. Conversely, the child who closely observes people eating with utensils learns how to eat with utensils.

One disturbing thing that children who are learning to self-feed, but who are eating by themselves, commonly learn is to throw food or drinks and plates and whatever is within reach. Why not, if they do not have sufficient modeling to show them how to eat and act appropriately or do not have the opportunity to simply observe and interact with other members of the family during a meal? If they are eating with someone else and happen to throw something, someone is there to give them immediate feedback. 

Processing, receptive and expressive language

Young children learn by being in close approximation to other people and observing. They also tend to observe some more than others. The family meal affords them the opportunity to focus and learn from specific family members. The family meal is an ideal time for the child to observe, listen, and begin to understand and process language and produce sounds and language themselves. Auditory processing (the ability to process a word, then phrases, then sentences) is of paramount importance to the development of cognitive function. The child at a family meal is a relatively captive audience who can observe and listen to what is being said and learn.

One of the keys to development is neuroplasticity. The child’s brain develops from specific input being provided with sufficient frequency, intensity, and duration. Children need consistent opportunities to observe, interact, and learn.

Part 2

Three to Five Years

Table manners, expanding taste, attention, processing and language development, chores, responsibility and independence

We often think the goal of meals is simply to eat, to get nourishment; but as already discussed, there are many associated pieces that are extremely important. At each stage of the child’s development, there are important developmental pieces that relate to, and are aided by, family meals.

Table manners—taming the beast

It’s often easy to spot a child who typically eats alone: their table manners are horrific, and it takes longer to clean up the table and the floor after a meal than it was for the child to consume it. Teaching a child appropriate table manners requires first and foremost modeling appropriate table manners and then providing the child with appropriate instruction and feedback. The more often someone else is present and demonstrating appropriate table manners, the more quality input the child receives, and the faster they learn what they should do and how to do it.

Expanding taste—nutrition

Children who eat meals alone tend to learn to want the same things at every meal. Breakfast and even lunch is often the same every day. It is often easy for parents, once they discover what the child will eat for breakfast and lunch, to give the child the same thing every day; and unfortunately the child learns to want the same thing. So they both establish a pattern that neither is motivated to change. Eating the same thing daily is not nutritious, particularly if we look at what the children typically get for breakfast and lunch. Often the only opportunity the child has to learn about different foods is at dinner, assuming that the child is eating with the rest of the family. Healthy foods are rarely a child’s preferred foods, which again tend to be sweet and salty foods, which are often followed by grains. Gluten is becoming of greater concern in regard to allergies and intolerances. Children eating cereals, breads, and pastas often become addicted to these foods and reject what they should be eating. The taste for a variety of foods needs to be developed for the child to not only learn to eat, but enjoy the variety of meats, fruits, and vegetables that contribute to a healthy diet. The greater variety of foods we can introduce, and the earlier, often the better.

One good example of children learning to eat more sophisticated foods if exposed to them from an early age is what I observed in southern California in the ’80s. The first couple of times I saw this I was honestly a bit shocked; but it occurred so often that it became almost the norm in southern California. The snack food of choice of these families for their children under five and often as young as eighteen months was sushi. And the kids loved it! It was a great demonstration of how rapidly taste can be developed if given the opportunity.

Processing—cognition

Young children, when seated at a table with family members, attend to those family members. If they are not offered distractions like the TV, iPads, crayons and toys, they pay attention to what the other members of the family are doing and saying. Hopefully the family members try to engage these little ones during the meal. This process of attending without distractions helps build the child’s processing and attention span, which is a key to learning.

Perhaps the most important thing that drives the development of receptive and expressive language, cognition, and global development is the development of sequential processing. Building sequential processing develops short-term memory, then working memory and executive function, the pieces that determine our level of function even more so than innate intelligence. The primary thing that pushes processing is specific targeted auditory and visual input. One of the things that most children do well is let you know whether what you are saying to them, showing them, or doing with them is targeted to them or not. The test is their attention to it. If you are hitting the nail on the head, the child attends; if not, they don’t. Children sitting at a table with family members can be relied on to give the rest of the family feedback as to whether they are being included or not. The children tend to shape the family’s behavior. The more targeted the input, particularly from a family member, the faster the development of these vital processing abilities that will influence how the child ultimately learns, thinks, and functions.

Language development

Teaching a foreign language is not an easy task. It’s important for parents to understand that any language is a foreign language to a child learning their first language. The best way to teach any language is through immersion. Immersion simply means that you are living with the language and learning from your observations and involvement and out of need. Throughout the course of the day, the child has an opportunity to observe and interact and start to learn the language; but throughout most of the day there are many things going on, and it’s difficult to isolate words and their meanings. The family meal gives the child an excellent opportunity to isolate, observe, model, and learn to understand and then use language. It’s not a shock that one of the first words that a child learns is “more” and that one of their first word combinations is “Mom more,” followed by the phrase “Mom more please,” to using full sentences. The family meal should be a focal time in the day for relevant talk that contributes to the child learning the structure of the language and developing their own receptive language abilities. The language function of most children in this age group is a direct reflection of the targeted interaction between the child, parents, and siblings who naturally expand their use of language to fit the child they are speaking to. No one is better suited to this job than the people who know the child best; and no time may be better suited to this development than the family meal.

Chores, responsibility, and independence

I have written several articles talking about the importance of teaching a child to do, be responsible for, and to own chores. Most parents grossly underestimate their child’s capabilities and the global importance of their children learning to be capable, contributing, and independent and “owning” chores. The best initial chores to teach a child to own are those that are associated with specific events that occur daily. The first such event is simply getting up in the morning, but following that are meals, and again, particularly family meals. It is important to separate “helping” from “owning” a chore or job. Many children learn to follow specific helping directions and prompts even before the age of three and can be helpers. This period between three and five years, however, is an ideal time to teach your child not only how to do chores, but to own them. In response to the questions asking what chores children have, I often hear such things as “Johnny takes his dish to the sink.” My response to that is often, “If Johnny is capable of taking his dish to the sink, why not everyone else’s, and how about him completely cleaning the table?” Sadly, the parents’ response to that is often that Johnny eats alone, and if not, the parents do not even perceive that Johnny could do it if taught. They totally miss the understanding of the huge benefits Johnny would derive from doing it.

Unless children learn otherwise, they are egocentric, believing that the world revolves around them. Unfortunately, egocentric children can become narcissist adults. At three or even before, most children are ready to learn and own jobs and to learn that they can contribute; and they will learn to welcome and seek other ways to serve and contribute.

Ownership of a chore or job means that the child owns a particular task and preferably that they alone do it, so if they don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, which creates a problem. One of the first meal-associated jobs is teaching the child how to put silverware away from the dishwasher. Most children enjoy doing this job and can see that they are contributing and like it. Other meal—associated jobs that children in the 3-5 year range can do includes setting the table, cleaning the table, cleaning the floor under the table (even three year olds can learn to use a dust buster well), moving into washing dishes, loading, and unloading a dishwasher and even initial food preparation. Family meals can provide consistent opportunities for children to learn that they can be capable, contributing, members of the family. The earlier our children learn to happily and competently contribute, the sooner they start on the path of learning to be responsible, altruistic and selfless, self-reliant, contributing members of the family and society. Learning to be responsible with definitive chores helps children understand intention, which generalizes to other things including academics.

The more our children learn to do independently, particularly things that go beyond their own needs, the more they perceive what they could do, and the more things they initiate doing on their own, creating attributes that will serve them well in everything they do.

Part 3

Five Years to Eighteen Years +

Language development and social skills, processing (short-term memory, working memory and executive function), communication between parents and children, education, learning family values and history, learning critical thought and expression, becoming highly capable.

Theoretically a child moving from five years through adolescence to eighteen year of age is taking a young child and creating an adult. Unfortunately, there are not many eighteen-year-olds who we can confidently consider adults today; and that number appears to be shrinking every year. If you have a child five years of age, it’s not too early to remind you that your job is to put together the pieces to turn that child into a functional adult, who is equipped to go off to college or trade school by themselves, seek full time employment, start a business, join the military, or explore other adult options. These years pass at an amazing speed, and the target needs to be kept within the sights. This job requires putting together a lot of pieces. At NACD we know the need to work with the whole individual and the need to have someone at the helm steering the ship. No one knows a child as well as the parent. Teachers, relatives, coaches, clergy, and friends do not know as many pieces of the child as do actively involved parents. I have built several houses which have all come out well. Each one required my vision and design, the help of an architect, an engineer, a head contractor, and sub-contractors. The vision for the houses were mine, and I needed and used the various folks to help put the projects/visions together; but the houses were my babies and from concept to completion they were my responsibility. If they had not turned out as I envisioned, it was my fault and no one else’s. Building a house, even a large, complex house, is nothing compared to helping to assist a child in becoming a happy, successful, capable adult. And the need for attention to detail and ongoing participation cannot be overstated. One needs not to look too hard at society in general to see and hopefully understand the need to have actively involved parents steering the ship.

Language development and social skills

One of the most important jobs as parents is simply to talk to our children. In our busy lives meals are often the best, if not the only, regular opportunities parents have to get and hold the attention of their five-to eighteen-year-old and speak with them. A parent innately knows how to speak to a specific child. You innately use sentences of a length they can process and language they can understand. You have a pretty good idea as to what your child knows and doesn’t know, so you know if they have a frame of reference for a topic or not. A parent with the knowledge of their whole child is better suited to provide this invaluable input than anyone else. We call this targeted input. This targeted input and verbal interaction creates the building blocks of language and much more. If we are verbally interacting with our children throughout the day, it is often language that is directing them to do something or stop doing something; and although there may be opportunities throughout the day, particularly for families who are home educating their children, to really talk and communicate, the family meal can and should be perceived as a daily unique opportunity to have Dad, siblings, and even extended family participate. Language development occurs most rapidly when verbal interaction is of interest to the child, meaning you are talking about things your child has a frame of reference for, knowledge and interest in, and when the actual language being used is targeted to them. Parents almost universally use language that their children can understand and process, and constantly, even though they are rarely aware of it, they use language that is always just a notch above their child’s, which helps develop their language skills. This targeted interaction can be tremendously more efficient in building the child’s language structure and vocabulary than most group classroom instruction or interaction between children. Such group or child-to-child interaction is either not targeted to an individual or, as in the case of verbal interaction between children, they are modeling sentence structure and language that is not developmentally advantageous and perhaps not even acceptable. Children often speak to each other in abbreviated code, economizing on words and using vocabulary that Webster would scratch his head over. That’s not exactly conducive to proper language development.

Verbal interaction during a family meal is also an opportunity for parents to model and guide their children in proper table manners and acceptable ways to have a discussion, to agree or disagree appropriately. We all have many patterns of behavior that affect virtually all aspects of our lives. Children interacting with other children without the benefit of quality targeted parental modeling and feedback can lead to negative patterns of behavior, which can be difficult to modify or develop.

Processing (short-term memory, working memory, and executive function)

A major key to global development and function is processing power. Most children today have better visual than auditory processing power as a reflection of opportunity or lack of such. Children generally develop visual processing before auditory simply because until they can understand language, they learn and understand their world based on what they see.

As children develop, we need to provide as much targeted auditory language input as possible to balance these critical pieces. Ultimately, auditory processing is the more significant piece relative to cognitive development. Auditory processing facilitates thinking in words, and as it develops, so does the complexity of thought, language, maturity, behavior, attention span, and so on. The importance of auditory processing cannot be overstated. And what builds auditory processing? Targeted language input. Targeted language input is that which builds auditory processing. I believe that over the past decades as we have seen the increase in mothers working outside of the home, we have seen a corresponding increase in attention disorders, which are largely a reflection of auditory processing issues. You attend to what you can process, and the more and better you can process, the longer you attend. Parents talking to children is hugely important to the development of processing and its associated pieces. To learn more about processing, please read the associated article.

Communication between parents and children

If you are aware of a problem, have a misunderstanding or a question or just feel out of touch with someone you work with or a friend, your first thought should be to talk about it.

As important as it is to establish this relationship and open and maintain the avenues of communication, this often does not exist between many parents and their children. Ongoing, regular family meals do, again, provide rather special opportunities to establish this open communication. Parents can throughout the course of busy daily interaction with their children throw out questions in an attempt to find out what is happening with their children, but often this is not sufficient to facilitate good responses and open good lines of communication. As a case in point, ask the majority of kids upon their return from school about what they did at school and most parents get the same response—“nothing.”

Family meals can be used to open these critical lines of communication. If families simply talk during meals, the meal becomes this regular time to talk and communicate, and a question like “What did you do at school today?” is much more likely to produce a very different answer and open the door to further exploration, teaching the child how to express feelings and problems and to share their lives with their siblings and parents.

Education 

Most parents miss the boat when it comes to taking advantage of their unique position in helping, if not taking the lead, in their child’s education.

To understand how significant the parent’s role can be in education, let’s start by separating “what was taught” from “what was learned.” Schools and most curriculums are packed full of tons of “stuff,” and we tend to confuse all of this “stuff” that was “taught” with what was learned. If you learned something, you know it. If you don’t know it, you didn’t learn it. Pick a subject, any subject, from the explorers, to anatomy and physiology, trigonometry, astronomy, chemistry, or whatever you were “taught” and today write down everything you remember about that subject. This might not take long. Some of these things you might have been “taught” for years, and what do you remember? Perhaps not much, and certainly the more years that have passed since you were “taught” these things, the less you remember. But what you remember is very important and significant.

We tend to remember the more important pieces, the pieces that were reviewed over time, that were practical, interesting, or relevant to you—knowledge and information that helps you make connections between what you learned and understanding your life and the world today. These gems should be shared with your children, before, during and after they have been “taught” these things as part of their curriculum. “Did you know that…”. “Would you believe…” “That reminds me of…” are all phrases you can use at these family meals to introduce subjects; and over the course of a few meals, you can plant seeds, create interest and relevance, or even provide an entire foundation so that when these gems are part of your child’s curriculum they have more relevance and significance; and perhaps because of your meal discussions, your children will learn more of what is “taught.”

Talking at meals is different for your child than when you are sitting down to “teach.” Topics at dinner are presented in a more relaxed manner and are felt to be more like sharing than “teaching.” For this reason they are generally more welcome and have a greater impact. Another great benefit of sharing your knowledge at meals is that you get to pick and choose the topics. There is nothing wrong and everything right about first teaching your children about your interests, interests that you hope would be shared by your children and lead to lifelong shared interests and sources for ongoing interaction between you and your children. It’s often more important for your child to learn about your family business, your favorite sport, or any other of your interests and things that bring you joy and that you can possibly share with them for the rest of your lives than many of the subjects taught in school.

Family values and history

I recently had two visits from family members who I haven’t seen for many years. I live in Utah and most of my family still lives in the greater Philadelphia area where I’m from. It was great seeing them and reconnecting. A lot of our time together was spent sharing memories and getting confirmation of our joint recollections. The foundation of many of our memories came from recollections of extended family meals that generally occurred around holidays. These events were always opportunities to explore family history and values and to connect as a family. Family history offers perspective, perspective that is often missing from our lives. One of my visitors was a cousin whom I was very close to as a child and who I haven’t seen for about forty years. His short visit offered an opportunity to get him and his wife together with my extended Utah family and explore family history together over dinner. As it happened, my cousin, a recently retired judge, had done some searching and discovered that both our fathers had lived as children with their parents and grandfather in a very modest 700 square foot row home in Philadelphia. His father became a physical therapist and mine a physician. Both were innovators, and their service made great contributions to the treatment of brain injured children and others, and all from their very humble beginnings. Our families’ histories are rarely documented, and if not for the verbal communication of our families’ legacies that often only gets communicated at family meals, most of it gets lost; and our children and grandchildren are deprived of the history and perspective that helps give meaning to their lives and has the power to influence their futures.

Learning critical thought and expression

We want to create a safe welcoming environment around our family meals that produces a safe place for the exchange of ideas and views. Today more than ever, our children are exposed and often bombarded with a plethora of opinions and views that they have difficulty sifting through. Without a safe place to communicate what they have heard and a forum to openly discuss these views, they are often left with simply accepting what they hear at face value and following the latest and loudest voice.

Family meals can provide our children with the forum they need to safely talk about what they have seen and heard and learn how to speak of it and, with help, to critically evaluate it, form their own opinions, and learn how to appropriately express those opinions. Through healthy discourse with people they love and trust, they can also learn how to respect and value other opinions and learn not to be threatened by differing opinions. As parents, at family meals we need to understand that we are models, and how we react and what we say, and how we say it will teach our children how to think critically and express their views and listen to others. Often our softly spoken, non-confrontive words provide the food for thought that our children can later digest.

Becoming highly capable

Several years ago, I was a keynote speaker at the Washington State Conference on the Gifted and Talented and had the opportunity to help the educators see the correlation between cognitive processing and creating higher functioning students. At that conference they were using a new term, replacing “gifted and talented” with the term “highly capable.” I liked the term and have since redefined it and now use it more globally to mean essentially an individual who knows how to function in their world independently and competently. As I see it, helping our children become highly capable adults means that we are teaching them from an early age how to be independent in all aspects of their daily lives, understand responsibility, and develop qualities that will permit them to be confident, capable, and successful adults.

Relative to the discussion at hand of family meals, we can start the process of creating highly capable adults when our children are 5 years old. Hopefully by 18 we have succeeded in helping our child well down the road of becoming highly capable. As mentioned in the previous 3–5-year section, we can start teaching chores that the children own associated with meals. As we proceed in the development of our children, we want to continue to build on this by progressively adding to these pieces. By the time our children are 18, they should know how to plan meals, shop intelligently, understand budgets, prepare meals from A-Z, and clean-up and much more; but we can use the family meals as the foundation.

I had one of our NACD graduates who chose to go off to start her college career in England from her home in the U.S. An 18-year-old with the guts to go off to college in another country says something about confidence and capability. Shortly after beginning life in her new dorm, she made a discovery that most of the other students were lost. They had kitchens in the dorms, but the other students didn’t know how to cook or even buy food for that matter and couldn’t budget. The result was that they ate out and burned through their monthly allowance halfway through the month and had to beg Mom and Dad to send more money. As our highly capable young lady discovered, these other students also didn’t know how to clean or take care of their rooms or wash and iron their clothes. They also didn’t know how to be responsible for organizing their time, getting up in the morning on time, studying, and doing class assignments. She ended up holding classes for her dorm-mates to teach them how to take care of themselves and how to become more capable. Learning the pieces involved, learning to be responsible for all these pieces surrounding planning and seeing a meal accomplished from concept to fruition can be a significant piece that fosters the confidence and independence that can help turn a helpless child into a highly capable adult. Independence produces initiation, which in turn creates the impetus to learn more and assume more and more responsibilities.

Use family meals as the foundation to start building an adult. Do not underestimate what your children are capable of doing if given the opportunity and the responsibility. They will rise to your level of expectation.

Adults

The fabric that largely defines and holds our society together is the family. The fabric that is the family is woven together, built, and reinforced by the threads of our ongoing connection and interactions as a family. This connection needs to be reinforced and built upon on a regular basis. Sadly, for many, the connection between family members often only consists of short calls or text messages. The need for real connection is perhaps greater today than ever before, as we all shift though the bombardment of media that on a daily basis questions and even attacks many of the basic tenets that have formed the foundations of our beliefs.

Speak with most any adult about their close family times and recollections growing up and they will often speak of family meals, particularly meals with the extended family.

Speak with seniors and you will discover that past family meals are memories that last when others have long faded away. You will also discover that if such family meals are now available with children, grandchildren, and extended family that these events don’t just keep them connected to family, but to themselves.

Our sense of self, our identity, who we are and continue to be is woven into the fabric of the family.

The family meal is the foundation upon which our family is built and upon which we learn to know and maintain ourselves.

What’s for dinner?

Family Conversations App

If you’re looking for questions to get the conversation started, we built something for that: Family Conversations

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 35 No. 3 , 2022 ©NACD

The post The Most Important Meal of the Day is Not Breakfast, It’s the Meal(s) the Family Has Together appeared first on NACD International | The National Association for Child Development.

The Simply Smarter® program is built upon the foundation of neuroplasticity, utilizing the science of targeted input, frequency, intensity, and duration.

Targeted

The program constantly modifies itself to keep you right at the sweet spot, the spot that is targeted for you to achieve maximum benefit.

Frequency

To take advantage of neuroplasticity, we need to keep triggering the firing of neurons and reinforcing neural networks. Everyone is encouraged to use the program once or twice a day and preferably four or more days a week.

Intensity

This is an incredibly important piece. The importance of intensity cannot be overstated. How you or your child approach every session is going to determine how much the program impacts, changes, and develops the brain. Just doing it isn’t enough; you must do it with real intensity and with intention. Every activity is very short. It was designed that way so that you could create and maintain maximum attention and intensity for the seconds needed to complete each piece that you are asked to process, to watch, or listen to. Approach every sequence of every activity with the intention of remembering it, of nailing it!

If your children are using the program, sit with them, if you can, and cheer them on. The program has built-in rewards and acknowledgement, but a parent’s power is much greater, and we encourage you to provide very meaningful, big rewards for new high scores or higher digit spans. These changes can be life changing, treat them as such.

We realize that it’s not reasonable for many parents to sit in while their child does Simply Smarter®, so we have built in the means to send email and text alerts so that Mom, Dad, grandparents, coaches, whoever will know when the child did well; and each can provide their own congratulations, making every step forward all that more meaningful. Dad coming home from work and immediately acknowledging Johnny’s new high score or a call from Grandma can be very powerful.

For adults be honest with yourselves. Sitting down with good energy, intensity, and with the intention of knocking it out of the park each time is difficult. You are not only allowed but encouraged to set up your own rewards program—rewards for all new high scores. Set digit span and processing power goals, and when you hit it, reward it. It’s only your life and future that you are changing!

Duration

To change the brain, we need to keep causing those networks of brain cells to keep firing together. The longer we do it, the greater the change. Keep in mind that generally without specific intervention the development of processing, short-term memory and working memory, slows virtually to a halt at about seven years of age, creeps a tiny bit forward from then until we are in our twenties, and then usually begins a slow decline that continues throughout our life unless we target it, address it, and build it!

Simply Smarter® is an invaluable tool that has the potential to change the lives of your children, your parents, and yourselves.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 33 No. 7, 2020 ©NACD

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These COVID-19 Coronavirus times have certainly turned many of our worlds upside down. We now virtually have a world full of homeschoolers; more parents are at home with their children than at any time in the history of the world. Exceptional times and exceptional circumstances can also result in exceptional opportunities. Many of us are rediscovering and redefining basic things like family, work, school, and our relationship to institutions and society. I would like to talk with you about redefining potential and intellect and how while you are all at home, you have the potential to change the lives of every member of the family.

I would like to share a personal story. I grew up in a family of pioneers in human development. My father, a physician, and my uncle, a physical therapist in the ‘50s, worked with brain injured children and discovered that with the proper stimulation, healthy parts of the brain could learn to carry out the functions of damaged areas of the brain. This was ground breaking work that was originally seen as heretical, but is now after decades universally accepted. Changing perceptions is not an easy task, as I can certainly attest to after fifty years of trying to do it.

When I started studying psychology in the sixties, I had a tremendous advantage over others studying and working in the field. I came to understand that all development was possible through this amazing mechanism called neuroplasticity. If you understood neuroplasticity, development was no longer such a great mystery. The brain changed and developed as a reflection of specific stimulation, not because it just got older. Armed with this understanding, I looked at the brain as dynamic, changing, and most significantly, as changeable.

One area of early interest for me was learning and memory. At that time it was just beginning to be understood that there were various components of memory. Memory was being broken down into short-term memory, working memory, and long-term memory. The focus was on testing it and looking for correlations between these pieces and how people learned and functioned. At that time and for decades, the worlds of psychology and education did not have a perception that you could actually help develop or change memory; and even today, they are not really working to do that. My perception, based on an understanding of neuroplasticity, was that these components of memory didn’t just pop up as adult abilities, but they developed; and what developed changed; and what changed was changeable. I set out to understand all of these pieces and to find ways to change, develop, and accelerate that development.

Decades later I am proud to say that we have developed a great understanding of all of these foundational pieces that we now lump together and refer to as “processing.” Armed with this knowledge and the tools we have developed, we have helped change many thousands of lives. Improving these pieces of auditory and visual short-term memory and working memory is quite simply making people smarter. From our first software that ran on a Commodore Pet computer with a cassette drive in the early eighties, to the Brain Builder software in the nineties, to the present online Simply Smarter program and many dozens of one-to-one activities, we are working to change lives. From brain damaged individuals to those on the autism spectrum, to those with learning and attention issues, to typical children and adults, we can build all of these foundational pieces of memory that literally have the potential to make everyone smarter.

At NACD we work with “whole children,” designing home based comprehensive programs that address everything from a child’s sleep and behavior to how they walk and do algebra, including innovative comprehensive homeschool/home-based educational programs. But there is something that in one way or another is on every child’s program, and that is processing activities.

We are fortunate that we can work via Skype with any family in the world who has Internet access and give them the tools designed to develop and improve their brains. Today everyone doesn’t need to come to NACD to work on their processing. You can take advantage of this expertise and go online and in about fifteen minutes a day put together the pieces that can help you and your children work to become smarter. The tool that is available to you is our Simply Smarter program, a tool that your children can use all by themselves!

Let me help you understand what this all really is and what it can mean for you and your family.

What is “smart?” Can you define it? Do you think you would like your kids to be smarter? How about you?

You can define “smart,” possibly, but even more so, you probably know it when you see it. Smart has to do with being present, being aware, being able to take in and process a lot of information, being able to manipulate that information, think with complexity, put ideas together, focus, and communicate.

Smart doesn’t necessarily mean knowing that the capitol Nevada is Carson City, or that Sir Walter Raleigh was beheaded, or that the First World War ended on November 11, 1918, or what your bile duct does, or that “or” is a conjunction. But smart does mean that you are more likely to find such things interesting and you can learn them more easily than most. Knowing “stuff” doesn’t make you smart. (You are going to actually forget most “stuff” unless you are smart enough to make associations and connections between “stuff” and use it.) And smarter also means that it’s easier to understand and learn everything.

What is the foundation of “smart?”

The foundation of smart is the ability to process and take in a lot of information that you see and hear and to manipulate that information and think.

The more you can process and take in what there is to be heard, the stronger your auditory short-term memory. Your auditory short-term memory provides the fuel for the development of your auditory working memory, which is how many pieces or words you can hold together and manipulate, which equals your complexity of thought, or “smart.” How many pieces of visual information you process from what you see, whether from observation of your world or from reading, relates to your visual short-term memory; and as with auditory processing, your visual short-term memory provides the pieces you use to create your visual working memory and visual-spatial abilities. These fundamental, foundational pieces ultimately determine how much information you take in and use, which translates to how much knowledge you gain and your complexity of thought. All this equals “smart.”

How does processing “smart” develop?

Processing develops primarily from birth to about seven years. The rate and degree it develops is a reflection of the targeted stimulation and opportunities that you receive. In general the more quality one-to-one interaction between a child and an involved adult, the faster and the further it develops. The more enriching the environment, the faster and the further it develops. With specific targeted input designed to build processing skills, processing not only can be accelerated, it can be developed to superior levels.

When does the development of processing abilities stop?

Without specific intervention, the development of processing abilities almost comes to a halt at about seven years of age. From seven into our twenties, it typically develops perhaps another ten to fifteen percent; and after our twenties, without specific intervention it goes into a slow decline. You can continue to learn more, but your ability to do so declines, as does your ability to manipulate the information. As you continue to learn, you can become wiser, but not necessarily smarter, unless you are stretching your processing through complex cognitive activities or actively working to preserve or develop it.

How can you build processing ability and get smarter?

Everyone, from infant to geriatric, with input that is targeted to them, can incrementally build and improve processing ability and get smarter. We at NACD have been developing methodologies and improving processing abilities for the full spectrum of children and adults for over forty years. NACD designs specific processing programs for families who are members of NACD and who wish to utilize comprehensive developmental and educational programs designed so that they can be implemented in the home by parents and caregivers. But as mentioned earlier, NACD also has developed a very comprehensive targeted program for all children five years old and older and for adults up to and including seniors—Simply Smarter.

What is Simply Smarter?

The Simply Smarter program is a dynamic online system that constantly develops and modifies itself, adapting to the individual user to help produce maximum change. Specific activities work progressively to address focus, attention, intensity, auditory and visual short-term and working memory, visualization, conceptualization, and visual-spatial abilities, all of the pieces that help make everyone learn, think, and function better. The program first assesses your baseline and then builds from there, tracking and graphing progress. It has the capability of adjusting from basic levels of a child to levels of incredible function.

What can you do with children under five?

Children at or functioning under five years of age generally need specific one-on-one activities that are designed as part of NACD’s individualized programs. But in addition children from toddlers to five years old can use NACD’s Cognition Coach apps to build processing skills.

How long does it take to get smarter?

With motivation and consistent use, measurable changes can occur in a couple of weeks; and with continued use of Simply Smarter, virtually unlimited improvements are possible. Over the course of the present lockdown, you have the potential to produce a significant change.

Who has used Simply Smarter and what have the results been?

The range of those who have used NACD’s processing activities and Simply Smarter is as broad as the population. NACD’s Simply Smarter and other processing programs have been used by thousands of typical and gifted children and adults, those with learning and attention issues, as well as those with significant developmental issues such as autism spectrum disorder, Down syndrome, and brain injuries. Most everyone working on our comprehensive home based programs not only knows about processing, but is actively working on processing every day and understands the correlation between their child’s processing and global function and abilities. We have seen exceptional changes along the path of many thousands of children’s development and are continually heartened as we see their potential being redefined. Processing is a huge key to success and potential.

Please take this opportunity to change your child’s life trajectory. My mission in life has been to help change the perception of potential and to help develop the tools to do it. Today with more parents and children at home than ever before, I see this as a unique chance to change many lives and potentially change the perception of what can be.

To read an incredible testimonial from a couple about Simply Smarter and see what incredible things even a child can do, please read the following article and watch the video.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 33 No. 4, 2020 ©NACD

The post My Greatest Discovery – How to Make Everyone Smarter appeared first on NACD International | The National Association for Child Development.

He was very worried about the testing particularly in math which he explained was a real problem area for him. With great hesitancy he worked his way through part of the test before reaching problems that were foreign to him. He looked disheartened. Aside from schoolwork, Tim was an amicable conversationalist on a variety of topics from his family’s business to his hobby, magic tricks. Spending time with him had an immediate impact on me. We needed to help him resolve any obstacles that were in his way. With the help of his interested and enthusiastic mom, we were sure to get this done.

At his first evaluation, Tim was falling behind where his mother expected him to be. He was generally confident at a 6^th grade level in math and a ninth-grade level in reading recognition yet his vocabulary was strong. His auditory processing, however, was below the expected level and his working memory was quite weak. In addition, there was some mixed visual dominance. This combination of weaknesses resulted in his finding schoolwork hard. He wasn’t great at following directions. His attitude toward the work was often not good because he really wasn’t finding that he was very successful at it.

So, here was Tim, an exceptionally nice guy, with a very supportive and enthusiastic family. He’s perfectly intelligent, great with kids, great with elderly people and a complete pleasure to be with having lots of trouble with school. With auditory processing just below where it needed to be and working memory weak but still working and the dominance just slightly mixed, why was Tim finding things this hard? In reality, this is the perfect storm for a lot of kids like Tim. Slight weakness in auditory processing combined with a weakness in working memory and with the addition of some mixed dominance produces a struggle with schoolwork. Tim was certainly finding this to be the case.

Let us fast-forward 8 months and meet Tim again. His mom and Tim have done a great job and worked as a team to bring both processing and academic levels up. By November of 2019, he had pulled his math scores up to a 10^th grade level and his reading level up to above high school levels. He tests out of two reading comprehension tests at above 12^th grade level. His auditory processing is above average. His working memory is also stronger than average. He’s happy and confident.

The last time I saw Tim was in March of 2019 when he graduated from NACD. I really enjoy spending time with Tim and will miss seeing him. He’s volunteering with the local fire department, helps a lot with the family business as well as doing his schoolwork and still does really great card tricks. Most of all he is just a super nice guy who can go on with his education and his life knowing that he is competent and smart, knowing that he can pursue what he chooses to pursue without doors being closed to him because he finds something too difficult. He still doesn’t like writing essays, but he can do it. He still has slightly mixed visual dominance, but it isn’t standing in his way. We need more people like Tim in the world and it was my pleasure to get to know him.

Too many schools and parents fail to help kids like Tim who don’t present with glaring issues but are clearly having some struggles. The reality is that by failing to help resolve what is causing these problems, we fail to help them become who they really are. We restrict their lives by allowing them to think they are not as smart as those around them. I applaud families like Tim’s who take the time and the trouble to find solutions.

The truth about Tim is that he is a smart guy with lots to offer and a great person to know. I wish him the very best!

Reprinted by permission NACD Newsletter, March 2020 ©NACD

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For many children and young adults with whom we work, it is summer. For our families in the Southern Hemisphere school has recently resumed, but there will be those rather long school breaks. Parents often question what to do with these “breaks” and vacation times so that they really feel like fun and are rejuvenating.

There are some very basic rules here. If you stop doing something and your child rapidly forgets what they have learned, then that isn’t a good idea. When you resume working with your child, you will find that you then have to waste a lot of time reteaching what they had already learned before the break. Whether it is mobility, vision, speech, cognition or academics, if you are going to lose ground, don’t skip the activity! This applies most obviously to math. Reading is also an area, with our beginner readers in particular, where if you don’t use it you lose it. Having to start all over again with math or reading is really discouraging.

If you just moved up in processing or knee walking, crawling or creeping don’t stop now! Mobility can be done anywhere as long as you have a few things that you might need, a yoga mat, a blanket, an incline or a beach, there are ways to adapt to get these critical activities done without just staying home.

The most portable activity of all time is auditory processing. This take-anywhere, do anytime activity can just be rolled in with whatever is going on as long as the child is awake and alert. Get your inspiration from your environment. Whether it is numbers and letters from car license plates or colors you see in the woods around you, objects they can see at your vacation spot, or ingredients in your special meals, processing is adaptable.

So how do we make this work so that the children don’t feel like they are missing all the fun, and we are gaining improvements and not sliding backwards? Actually, it is really easy. We input review information quickly. We ask for brief output and we keep moving. This works well with math and sight words. It is fast and fast is pretty fun.

With my granddaughter, I love to show her a word card just for a moment and take it away. It always makes her laugh and she almost always gets the word correct after thinking for a minute. There are many ways to turn these fast reviews into play. We’ve had parents who had the children bounce a ball on a word and say it or squirt a water gun at a word the parents asked them to find. Words are portable, so take them wherever you go.

Reading is a fantastic activity whether you are reading to your child or he or she is reading with or to you. If you are traveling, you can read about where you are going. If you are enjoying a holiday, you can read about that. Funny books are great for breaks, funny poetry books or joke books are great for breaks as well. Reading books that you, the parent, love will make the summer or holiday more special for you and your child. Nothing makes a trip better than books on audio so don’t forget those!

Many parents and children agree that math is definitely not fun. Fortunately, there are plenty of math fact games and math operation games that make output a bit more interesting. I have had several parents do a very high-intensity strategy with math facts and greater than or less than. Using some very valued food snacks, the child is presented with either a math fact or a greater than or less than question. If the child gets the wrong answer, the parent eats some of the snack, if the child is correct, he or she gets to eat the snack. That’s high intensity.

When there are program activities to be done that don’t lend themselves to fun, check with your coach for ideas and also look at getting much of the program done early in the day, leaving the rest of the day to feel more like leisure time. During those times look for opportunities to do things you don’t normally do or go places that you don’t typically go. Uniqueness and novelty are good for all of us. It engages our attention, stops rumination and opens up opportunities for wonder and discovery.

I often hear parents refer to program as work. In many ways it is work for us and for the children. I would like you, however, to present it as an opportunity rather than work. It is an opportunity to win, to do something better today than you have ever done it before now. It is an opportunity to have a reason to celebrate. It is an opportunity to reach a goal that you have set. If we want children and young adults to feel empowered, we help set very short-term goals that are reachable. Each time a goal is reached, it reinforces to the child and to you that this progress is something you can achieve.

Today I talked with a mom whose child followed a one-step verbal direction that she had never been given before and this was a huge triumph. This turning point with a child demonstrating an understanding of language and a verbal direction for the first time was achieved through months of effort and determination. It was a victory and opens the door to many other victories to come. The brain is able to change through, you know the line, frequency, intensity and duration of the right input. So, it is not about breaks but about input.

There is another key feature of vacations and holidays, they offer opportunities to show off to other people. Whether your child is showing that he can now creep to his cousins or showing his grandmother how he can pick picture cards, read sight words or name things in a book, this is a wonderful opportunity for your child to get some high intensity, positive feedback and encouragement. It will do you good too as it rewards you to show others the gains that your child is making.

Childhood and young adulthood are wonderful times and we all have great memories of our summers and our holidays. Let us help you adapt what needs to continue to be done to suit your situation. After all, your child and your family are unique, and we endeavor to adapt the program to that uniqueness. We also have decades and decades (in my case decades, decades, and decades) of experience making program activities efficient, effective and often quite fun.

We share your impatience for success and improvement. In order to achieve this, we need continuity of input for sure. This input can often be done quickly. This input is often portable, and this input can sometimes be done while doing other things. So do not feel that you must either abandon your program entirely because you are on a break or struggle through it the same way you have always done. We are really here to help, just an email away. We have not only our own ideas and suggestions, but also the many, many great ideas that parents have shared with us over the years.

Summer breaks and holiday breaks are wonderful times when we can spend more time together as a family doing fun and relaxing things. Working together, we can help you find ways to incorporate what needs to get done with the things you hope to do. I encourage you to share your summer and holidays with us by posting on our Facebook page about your progress, your fun times and your wonderful child. Please stay in touch with your coach so that we can help make this your best summer or break ever.

Reprinted by permission NACD Newsletter, June 2019 ©NACD

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What is the purpose of your program? Many of you approach your program as if the goal were to check off a lot of boxes. That’s not the goal. The goal is to produce change. It’s easy to lose track of where we are going and to get lost in the process. As you are looking at your one thing, think about goals. Think about those important things that we are trying to change or develop and focus and work with intention.

Intention is working with a targeted mental focus for the purpose of producing a specific future change.

One of the most glaring things I see when reviewing program videos are folks obviously working without intention, which results in very slow progress. I wouldn’t want to count all the processing videos I have watched that made me want to scream. As most of you know, developing processing skills is rather foundational and really important. You should also know that even an incremental change in processing results in wonderful things, like better understanding, increased language, increase in global maturity, improved behavior, and better cognition-global change! Understanding this importance, many families justly prioritize their processing activities; but what I often see are parents doing the activities without a lot of intensity, which means they are doing it without intention. I often have to pay very close attention to the videos to determine if the child is getting the sequences right or wrong because watching the feedback from the parent or helper, there wasn’t much difference in the response, whether the sequence was done correctly or not. Without quality feedback and reinforcement your child isn’t even going to know what the goal is and certainly is not going to be working with intention.

To digress a tad, on my last trip to our Cincinnati chapter, where I work out of a hotel that sits on the Kentucky side of the Ohio River, just across from the city of Cincinnati, I renewed my perspective on intention and intensity. Often on these trips I take a little walk along the river after I have my dinner and before I go back to my room to address more emails. Looking across the river I can see both the Cincinnati football and baseball stadiums. The Ohio River is a big river, and although the stadiums sit close to the river’s edge, they are still quite a way away. During the baseball season the Cincinnati Reds play, and during the football season the Cincinnati Bengals play. If I happen to be out in the evening and a game is being played, there is absolutely no question if someone gets a hit or a homerun or a team scores a touchdown. On this last trip, I was walking and looking out at the stadium when a touchdown was scored by the Bengals. The roar of the crowd from where I was across the river was almost deafening, and then the sky lit up with fireworks. The intention is to win the game, and it is understood that to win the game you need to get hits or advance the ball on the football field. The fans react with intensity to each of these events. There is no question of the intention of the players or the fans. It is also not surprising that teams in cities with good fans who help generate intensity and keep the players focused on the intention do well.

The goal of working on processing is to raise the processing level, preferably quickly. Watching these videos, it becomes blatantly obvious that more often than not the intention is to complete the activity and check off the box. I’m sure as the parent pushes themselves and their child through the activity, they think that they just need to do this another few hundred or thousand times and their child will move forward and ultimately, they probably will. But if we address not only processing activities, but also everything we do with our kids with intention, we can meet our goals faster, and generally much, much faster.

As an example of how we can create intention, I will at times do processing activities with criteria. What this means is that rather than doing a processing activity for a specific duration, such as a minute or two, we do the activity with a target. For example, if we are just starting to get auditory digit spans of five, working with criteria we will let the child know that the goal of the session is to get a five. As soon as they get a five, we have a party and the session ends. Their intention is no longer just to cooperate, to try or pretend that they are trying; it is to get a five! And our intention is no longer to check off a box, it is to get a five. It can be amazing to see how much faster we can move forward when the intention is clearly defined, and the child is receiving good feedback.

One of keys to focus and intention is data and attention to detail. If you are working on teaching your child to identify pictures, read words, recognize numbers, or complete a math process, you can only work with intention if you know where you are and where you are going. For example, if you are trying to develop your child’s sight word vocabulary you need to know what they know. Perhaps you have shown them 50 new words over a month or so. How many do they know? If I were flashing them the words, I would periodically stop on a word and ask them what it was or start a review session by testing a few words. I would mentally keep track of how many of the words they know, about what percentage they know, and even what types of words. Armed with some data we can do a number of things. If you provide your coach and evaluator with the data, they can make recommendations to do everything from change frequencies and durations, to how many new words are being introduced, to what kinds of words to introduce, or even to putting it away for a while. If the data is simply that we have checked off x number of boxes over these weeks, that doesn’t really help us reach our goal. The intention of every session should be to succeed, to teach your child to read more words; and to do that within each session, you need to be gathering data and work with intention.

Intention is every bit as important for every other aspect of program, whether we are teaching a child to walk properly, to track better, or to love looking at pictures. With absolutely every activity we do, we need to be mindful of what we are trying to achieve; and we need to be observant and constantly adjusting, modifying, and gathering data. Our intention is to produce new function, new abilities and to change your child’s life one piece, one step at a time.

I find intention to be a fascinating neurological phenomenon. You can consciously start doing something with intention, but then your brain appears to learn to apply it without conscious effort. As an example, through the years I have had children read short non-fiction articles as part of their program, primarily to improve reading comprehension. Generally, it would appear to the parent who was working with the child during the day that the child was engaged, and since we were working to develop reading comprehension, that they were actually reading to learn. I would on occasion have the parents do an experiment. The experiment was quite simple: at dinner after everyone had sat at the table, but before anyone was allowed to start eating, I would have the child’s father ask them what the story they had read earlier was about. Many parents were shocked when they discovered that their child couldn’t even remember the subject, let alone any of the content. A common answer from children to the question, “What did you learn at school today?” is “Nothing.” If the family repeated this for a few days, the child would start remembering more and more about the story; and if the parents randomly asked the dinner question, the child would usually maintain their new intention, which was not just to read the story, listen to the story, and answer specific questions immediately after reading the story, but to learn and try to retain the information. After the first couple of days I’m sure the child, when they sat down to do their story, was not consciously thinking, “I need to remember this because Dad is going to ask me about it at dinner.” The child’s brain had changed and was applying greater intensity to recalling the information on an ongoing basis. Your brain adapts and changes and even generalizes intention. Very cool!

One Final Note on Intention

Parents generally work with a child with better intention than anyone who is paid. As a parent there are a lot of things you could do with your day rather than work with your child. You don’t do it because you’re getting paid; and actually, many of you could be out doing things for pay if you weren’t home working with your child. You do what you do because your intention is to help your child. Even for you it can be tough keeping your focus and working each activity with the needed intention.

If you are having people help with program implementation or even sending your child to school or therapy, the issue of intention becomes significantly greater. If working with a child or children is a job, often the job is defined as implementing specific methods as best you can. Not a bad objective, but it’s not the right objective. The intention should be to produce results—good results and fast results. One of the frustrations I face every day of my life is educators, therapists, and even physicians applying the same methodologies day after day and week after week and year after year, in spite of that fact that they haven’t worked or haven’t worked well or worked fast enough. It is easy for people to get stuck in the rut of “this is what we do and how we do it and so be it,” regardless of the results or lack of.

Sorry for the little digression—back to program helpers. It is more difficult for people getting paid to help with program to achieve and maintain the proper intention than it is even for parents. As parents and bosses and supervisors, part of your job is to train your helpers well, clearly define the intention, quiz them on the data, and tie their efforts to achievement of the intended results, not checking off boxes. You might find it interesting to note that historically volunteers do a better job maintaining intention than people who are paid, and often the more people are paid, the poorer job they do of program implementation and working with intention. Obviously there are exceptions, but if you are not getting paid or if the pay is minimal, it is more likely that the primary goal it to help the child.

On occasions where we have had siblings help with program, we encourage good intention not by paying the kids or even rewarding them for their time, but for results. It has been fun watching how fast things can change if we do something like, “When Johnny can do two 5s in row, we are all going to go out for dinner and to a movie.” Everyone’s intention is tied to their successfully hitting the target.

Fifty years ago, when I started doing this work, I heard comments such as, “You must be a very patient person,” or, “You need a lot of patience to work with handicapped children.”

I’m not a patient person. To the contrary, I’m quite impatient, which is why I am constantly creating and looking for better ways to do everything. My intention is, and your intention needs to be, to be impatient, to work with intention, and to make it right, make it better, and to improve your child’s life. With our joint focus and intention and, yes, some impatience, we can do it.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 32 No. 1, 2019 ©NACD

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In an effort to help our NACD families and others maximize their efforts and make the most out of the time they have to work with their children, it is incredibly important to keep reminding everyone about the significance of intensity.

The foundation of what we do at NACD is designing very targeted individualized programs that are created to help provide the maximum results, relative to the time invested. The significance of being targeted is that we stimulate and change the brain when we apply specific, organized, targeted input with the necessary frequency, intensity, and duration. Random input is just noise to the brain; disorganized input is irrelevant to the brain; and any input that is not received by the brain with intensity never happened.

We understand that intensity, the most important of the Super 3 (frequency, intensity, and duration), is not entirely a reflection of how loud or strong or exciting we are when working with our kids. The big factor is what the intensity is with which they are processing the input. Have you ever seen someone fall asleep at a party or in a movie theater or sporting event? These are all intense environments; but if that person is asleep, it has zero intensity for their brains—it didn’t happen. I recall the question I heard way back when in school—“if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, did it make a sound?” It’s not about you, it’s about them. Back to the folks at the party-how about if they are not asleep, but just dozing? Or, they just had a fight with their significant other and are running through the last argument in their mind one more time, or have a song stuck in their head that keeps going around and around. How much did all that “intensity” that is going on impact them? Probably not much. Ultimately intensity is based on how the individual is receiving/processing the input.

I have always related intensity and impact on a scale of 1-10. If something goes into a brain with the intensity of 9 or 10, learning is virtually instantaneous. Drop it down to 7-8 and we need a fair amount of frequency and duration to change the brain. If the intensity is only a 6, we need a lot of frequency and duration—many times per day and lots of days, weeks, or months. At a 5 we are in for a very long haul. And below a 5, we are better off taking a nap.

Let’s look at some of the things that affect intensity, starting with physiological issues. Diet is one of the things we talk about with all parents. I won’t get into the specifics of diet in this article but suffice it to say that if you feed your kids pancakes with syrup for breakfast, just send them back to bed and forget about school. Sleep is another foundational issue, and doing what is needed for both you and your child to get enough sleep is very important. So before we go any further, let’s see where we are. If what you are trying to put into your child’s brain is super exciting to them and they love it, they ate some good protein, had a great night’s sleep, and feel wonderful, you might get them to an 8. Trying to input something they might like but don’t love, drop to a 7; not a wonderful breakfast, drop to a 6; and then you were up with them for half of the night, we just dropped to a 5, and perhaps you are both getting ready for a nap.

Just yesterday I had a talk with a very nice family, great, concerned parents who have a teenage son on the autism spectrum. He has had a few small seizures that did not appear to have any residual effect and is on two different anti-convulsive medications. His doctors have also put him on two additional drugs that are used for schizophrenia and irritability. When I look at this boy, he looks like he is about to fall over with his eyes open. He’s at a 2-3 for intensity, and if you work hard, you can push him briefly to a 4, and on rare occasion to a 5. Under the circumstances we hope to maintain what function he has until these medications that all slow his brain down can be altered or eliminated.

Drugs that are used for seizure control and behavior and attention control are slowing down the brain. As a side note, the neurologists and neurosurgeons that I worked with almost 50 years ago were aware that the vast majority of seizures actually caused no harm, and my clinical observations over all of these years verify it; but we still have neurologists who see their mission as stopping all seizures, regardless of the fact that they are medicating the child to the point where there can be virtually no development. I’ve been happy to hear that after 50 years, there are a few neurologists acknowledging that not all seizures spell the end of the world and are being much more conservative with the medications. And fortunately there are new very promising alternatives to the drugs.

Diet, sleep, health, exercise, or the lack of, and medications all have an effect on the brain, your child’s ability to process information, and thus to be stimulated and develop.

I have a confession to make. I do not get regular organized exercise. I played sports, and I played them hard. I have almost always lived where I had a good size piece of land and always loved working outside and work hard. I enjoy walks and hikes, but a daily exercise routine—never. It’s a good thing your child has parents and helpers to help structure their days, establish priorities for them, and to motivate them and make things fun. Perhaps if I had some great fun personal trainer who came and got me at a specific time each day and praised my success, I might exercise. I probably would also need to add a 25^th hour to every day. As adults we are responsible for ourselves. We can choose to eat well, exercise, whatever; however we are also responsible for our children, and it is our responsibility to see that our children eat well, get their sleep, and do all the other things needed to help them develop well. Even the smartest child isn’t wise. We need to make the choices for them and keep them heading in the right direction. Side note: How many of you give your pets more nutritious diets than your kids?

The younger the children, the easier it is to make things fun and increase the intensity. I constantly hear that little Johnny is bored with this or that or he doesn’t like it. The reality is that it’s not about the activity, it’s about the environment of the activity and how it is presented. Remember Tom Sawyer and how he got the kids to paint the fence for him? Create the right atmosphere, and you can get your kids to have a ball cleaning toilets. If something doesn’t hurt, you can create an atmosphere that makes whatever you are doing fun, and if something hurts, stop doing it because something is wrong. If you can’t get your intensity or their intensity above a 5, what should you do? You should go take a nap and come back to it later with good intensity.

One of the most common issues I see when watching program implementation is a lack of intensity when a child gets something right or does something well. I can observe someone working on processing, and the difference in the response when the child gets something right or wrong is almost indistinguishable. Often when reviewing program implementation videos, we have to pay close attention to see if a child got something correct or not because we can’t tell the difference from watching the reaction of the parent or caregiver.

Children of most any age will respond to your positive attitude and words of praise. If older children need something more to get their intensity up to adequate numbers, then explore some form of a positive token economy, where achievement as a reflection of their trying and doing something with sufficient intensity to impact their brains can purchase special privileges and such. But always let your child know that you are proud of them for their efforts and achievements. Don’t reward compliance that does not equate with intensity. Reward achievement even if you have to initially make it a bit easier for them so that they can experience success.

One of the most common killers of intensity is duration. Many of the activities we give children have a duration of only a minute or two, and the duration we give is a maximum. Maximum, not minimum. More often than not, more turns a positive into a negative. We encourage parents to, if at all possible, end an activity on a high note. Parents tend to continue an activity until the child has had it, and it turns negative. The result of that is the next time you go to do that activity the child recalls it as a negative, not a positive. Imagine giving your child the forbidden fruit—ice cream. You give them just a spoon or two and they love it and you stop. They want more. Now imagine that you gave your child a couple more of spoons of ice cream—still loving it—and then you gave them a small bowl. They’re still loving it, but not quite so much. Then make them eat a large bowl, having to force them to eat it over the course of an hour; and to really make it fun, make them eat more and more until they throw up. That would sure teach them to love ice cream. When should you have stopped? We have the ability to turn most anything that can be positive and fun into a negative. Remember: it’s all about intensity.

The big secret to success is intensity—the intensity with which your child takes in the input you are providing.

Intensity is not only foundational, it is mandatory: Get it?

 

Anything that adversely affects your child physiologically has a negative impact on intensity: Get it?

 

Any mediation that affects your child’s brain is likely to have a negative impact on their intensity: Get it?

 

What you do can affect your child’s intensity, but ultimately, it’s a matter of doing what works to create intensity in them: Get it?

 

Too much of a good thing is a bad thing; stop while you are ahead: Get it?

 

If your intensity or your child’s falls below a 5 and you can’t raise it, take a nap: Get it?

 

To be successful we need to provide your child with specific targeted input with sufficient frequency, intensity, and duration: Got it?

 

Good!

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 31 No. 8, 2018 ©NACD

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A newly published study explored the effects of reading to your child versus having them use other media, such as watching a cartoon or listening to an audiobook.

“In a single generation, the explosion of screen-based media has transformed the experience of childhood, from TV and videos, to an unlimited range of content available at any time via portable devices that can be challenging to monitor,” said Dr. John S. Hutton, one of the authors of the study. “The emergence of these technologies has far outpaced our ability to quantify its effects on child development, human relationships, learning and health, fueling controversies among parents, educators and clinical providers…” Hutton is a researcher and pediatrician at the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital where he studies the processes of learning how to read.

In the study, 27 children, each around age 4, were observed in an FMRI machine. They were given the stories three different ways: audio only; the illustrated pages of a storybook with an audio voiceover; and an animated cartoon.

Using only audio, the language parts of the brain were activated, but there was less overall interaction. There was evidence the children were not fully understanding the information.

With the cartoons (animated images with audio), there was a lot of brain activity and perception, but not a lot of interconnectivity between the various types of processing. “The language network was working to keep up with the story,” says Hutton. “Our interpretation was that the animation was doing all the work for the child. They were expending the most energy just figuring out what it means.” Comprehension of the story was found to be the least effective when viewing the cartoons.

When shown illustrations along with being read the story, instead of only paying attention to the words, the children’s comprehension of the story was helped by the illustrations. “Give them a picture and they have a cookie to work with,” he explains. “With animation it’s all dumped on them all at once and they don’t have to do any of the work.”

In the illustrated book version of the test, researchers noted better connectivity between all the brain networks: visual, imagery, language and more.

Reading to children seems to have the added effect of stimulating their imagination more as they attempt to “fill in the blanks” between the audio and the simple illustrations. If their language and auditory processing development is not yet developed or is falling behind, it may be that reading to them using a book with illustrations will help them keep up and comprehend better.

The overall implication of the study appears to show that for kids who have a hard time keeping up with the auditory and visual information coming in with an animated cartoon, may be helped by using the illustrations to form a better mental picture of what they are reading and hearing. Not to mention the physical and emotional bond that is formed by reading to your child.

While it’s not always possible to read to your child and certain cartoons can be stimulating and also educational, mixing in some one-on-one reading time using books with illustrations can be an effective way to build your child’s visual and auditory processing.

Sources

NPR.org – Learning & Tech – What’s Going On In Your Child’s Brain When You Read Them A Story? by Anya Kamenetz – May 24, 2018

Assessment of Screen-Based Media Use in Children: Development and Psychometric Refinement of the ScreenQ – John Hutton, Jonathan Dudley,Tzipi Horowitz-Kraus, Thomas DeWitt, Scott Holland

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by Bob Doman

In a previous post, I talked about getting unstuck and how to help change the picture and the minds of children who have weak auditory processing and who are strong visualizers. This combination is never more of an issue than it is with children on the autism spectrum, particularly those who are becoming teens.

Before I go any further, let me say that the combination of strong visualization, addictive behaviors (DSAs), low auditory processing, strength, and hormones is a combination you really want to do you very best to prevent.

This is an issue primarily for children who are “autistic” and generally not for others that are included on the spectrum. One of the primary, if not definitive, issues that separate those on the spectrum is auditory processing. The higher the auditory processing, generally the higher the child is on the continuum. The lower the auditory processing, the more likely we are to encounter this behavior management issue.

Let’s begin by talking a bit about auditory processing, maturity, and behavior. Simplistically you can determine auditory processing, which includes auditory short-term memory, working memory, and executive function, by measuring sequential processing. The first step in auditory sequential processing is short-term memory, which is a measure of how many pieces of auditory input (words) the child can process. If I were to test your auditory sequential processing, I could simply have you listen to a sequence of numbers said slowly and repeat them. With children we can do this as well, or have them follow different kinds of sequential verbal directions.

If I were to do a simple assessment of your auditory working memory, I could again say a sequence of numbers, but this time have you repeat them backwards. To some degree this would be a measure of your complexity of thought.

Executive function is a mechanism related to working memory and complexity of thought. Executive function includes those things we would tend to attribute to people who function well, such as the ability to prioritize, problem solve, and have organizational skills and inhibition, which is essentially stopping yourself from doing things that you know you shouldn’t do or that are harmful for you.

The development of these pieces can be looked at relative to the digit spans I mentioned before.* If we look at the typical development of auditory processing correlated with digit spans or their equivalents, we have approximately the following picture (understanding that the range can easily be +/- 12 months or more):

Auditory forward sequence of 1 = 6-18 months

Auditory forward sequence of 2 = 18-30 months

Auditory forward sequence of 3 = 24-40 months

Auditory forward sequence of 4 = 3 yrs-5 yrs

Auditory forward sequence of 5 = 4 yrs +

Working memory starts kicking in when the forward processing is about a 4. Up until this point, working memory is very limited.

Disregarding various personality differences, when we look at the full range of children, we can to a certain degree associate the auditory processing and complexity of thought with level of maturity and behavior.

Babies 12 months and younger, who are just learning to understand and process language, are pretty easy to deal with as long as they feel fine, aren’t tired or hungry or need a diaper change. You can give them something and they can like it, or you can take something away and they might not particularly even miss it.

When processing starts getting into the 2s, life gets interesting; and we hit what has historically and aptly been called “terrible 2s.” At this point the complexity of thought generally permits the child to process/think “I want” or “I don’t want.” The complexity of thought provides no qualifiers; there is no “later” or “after” or “because.” At this level we should expect and get a lot of tantrums.

I have categorized 3s as “lock and block 3s.” The complexity of thought and lack of working memory doesn’t permit children to think through anything with any real complexity. They rely on familiar patterns and the perception of whether something feels good, feels safe, is non-threatening and fun, or if it breaks previous patterns, doesn’t feel good or safe, is in some way threatening, feels like work, or is important, or simply not fun. Children at this stage can be very intractable and react very poorly if pushed out of their comfort zones.

As we start moving into processing 4s and above, we start getting to a point where we can have some negotiating power and the kids start really using working memory. They can think through things or think their way out of things or old patterns.

I encourage everyone who works with child development and education, and particularly with those who work with special needs, to look at individuals through the lens of processing power and not chronological age. Just because a group of children are approximately the same age doesn’t mean that their functions are going to be very similar or that it is appropriate to be working on the same functions or skills. A typical group of 3-year olds could have auditory processing ranging from a two to a four or more and see the world as very different places. Certainly it is not appropriate to treat them all the same and have the same expectations for all of them. (Not to digress, but perhaps we should help all children development their processing skills. What a great idea! I’ve been trying to get the world to understand this for more than 40 years!)

Relating back to the behavior patterns discussed, imagine a six-foot tall, strong, hormone-driven, visualizing two or three year old. Imagine the tantrums your typical two or three year old might have thrown in the grocery store when you refused to buy them the candy they wanted. Now imagine them being this six-foot, hormone driven, thirteen plus year old child throwing that fit. Do you think that many of those typical two and three year olds physically resist and fight you? Yep! Do you think you would be in major trouble if your two year old were six feet tall and strong as an ox? Yep! Then think about throwing hormones into the mix. And now just think about adding the fact that autistic children are almost universally strong visualizers and probably have a very strong video in their heads as to what they want and don’t want and what should and shouldn’t be, and you have a very intractable child. Breaking or changing a low processing child’s mental picture when they lack the processing power to think their way out of a it can be extremely difficult and even dangerous.

For every parent of every young child on the spectrum, it is imperative that you understand that developing your child’s cognitive abilities needs to be at the top of the priority list. It saddens me (and certainly at times when a family brings me one of these low processing, out of control teenagers infuriates me) that millions and millions of hours and dollars are being spent, not addressing the fundamental sensory issues, DSAs/addictions, and processing power of these children, but teaching them isolated skills and to be prompt-dependent, using antiquated programs like ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis Therapy).

Steps can be taken, starting from when children are tiny and throughout their lives, to build and develop these basic, indispensable cognitive functions and normalize sensory issues, break addictive patterns, and develop the neurodevelopmental foundation that permits them to communicate, learn, integrate into society, and function well.

For those of you who have the low processing, hormone-driven, difficult teens, all isn’t lost; it’s just difficult, and for some very difficult. Many of you are in survival mode and need to use whatever tools are at your disposal to cope. But ultimately we must utilize all of the tools to build the processing, cognition, and maturity to move them forward.

*Assessing auditory processing with strong visualizers is a bit tricky and requires someone with experience and specific expertise. Visualizers tend to produce inflated scores that don’t necessarily reflect their true processing level.

Reprinted by permission of The NACD Foundation, Volume 31 No. 5, 2018 ©NACD

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