JOURNAL OF THE NATIONAL ACADEMY FOR CHILD DEVELOPMENT
Volume 3, No. 1, 1983, 8
Child Management
Robert J. Doman Jr.
Children often don't behave as parents
would like. Most parents suspect that if they reacted differently
toward their children, their behavior would improve, but parents
don't know where to start. The first step is to identify the
factors causing the problems. There are three major causes
of behavior problems to watch for and eliminate:
- A negative environment
- A lack of structure
- An absence of constructive and positive feedback
The single-most effective method to
improve a child's behavior is to establish a positive environment.
Additionally, the best way to teach a child correct ways of
behavior is to increase the positive intensity of parental
input.
Children primarily crave intensity,
but parents tend to give the most intense reactions in negative
situations. In fact, when a child's behavior is difficult,
parents commonly react with such negative intensity that it
gets the sharp attention of everyone in the household. Intense
positive reactions, on the other hand, are extremely rare.
Because children do what works, parents are often confronted
with persistent misbehavior. Frequently, for example, a mother
might find her children pushing and pushing her with disobedience
until she feels she could explode. She might even misinterpret
the child's motive as hate or some other negative feeling.
What the child is really expressing is his or her need for
an intense reaction.
In a positive environment, children
engage in positive behavior because that is what works. In
most children’s environments, the frequency and intensity
of negative interactions far outweigh the positive. Nearly
all parents give ten negative responses for every positive
response. To create a truly positive environment, parents
must give children at least four positive responses for every
negative response.
Achieving a positive environment cannot
be accomplished overnight. Information must be collected,
and reasonable goals must be set and then updated. The parents
may be used to expecting—and then ignoring—appropriate
actions from their children. Parents must teach themselves
to notice and reward the good things their children do. Moreover,
when their child exhibits a positive behavior, parents need
to make themselves comfortable with jumping up and down, In
other words, parents must learn to use the same enthusiasm
to praise the child that they formerly reserved for criticizing.
Within a structured home environment,
a child often performs the day’s routine tasks without
objection. However, it is not unusual for discipline to fall
apart a little when schoolchildren are on summer vacation.
Lacking the routine and structure of a set school schedule,
children may turn once undisputed chores into the objects
of a running battle. When the schedule is clear and positively
supported, a child's behavior becomes set. If children know
that breakfast is only served at a certain time, they learn
to be at the table by that time without argument. When an
activity becomes negotiable, the parent's authority is challenged.
So often the behavior youngsters get away with varies considerably
with the kind of day the parent is having. Since children
have a level of concentration and a single-minded motivation
that parents lack, a child’s singular determination
not to clean his or her room will frequently triumph.
Following are some steps parents can
take to create structure:
- Define activities that are not negotiable.
- Decide which behaviors will not be tolerated.
- Make the child aware of these restrictions by providing
consistent, appropriate feedback.
This cannot be overstated: After setting
expectations parents must explain those expectations to their
children—clearly and specifically—and then enforce
the rules. Telling children something as vague as, "Behave
yourselves while I'm gone," immediately causes anxiety
levels to rise.
Also, ignoring jumping on the couch
one day and severely punishing for it the next confuses the
child. The expected behavior is no longer clear. When parents
accept different behavior from time to time, the child will
constantly test their boundaries. Not only does this lead
to tension and arguments between parents and children, but
it can also contribute to a building inner anxiety because
the child can sense no firm limits.
Parents must consider possible reactions
from children before acting and limit the number of actions
or behaviors defined as nonnegotiable. Parents should schedule
an activity a child sees as negative right before a positive
activity. Parents ought to choose activities that can be enforced
but do not require much positive attitude or concentrated
initiative by the child. Here's an example. Schedule chores
to be done right after school, then allow a snack, television,
or play only after the job is done. If an activity is required
of a child daily, be prepared to enforce that activity. Never
allow the issue to be negotiated. Learning should not be in
this category. Reading, and anything else parents want a child
to love, must be encouraged by a lot of positive input, not
with forced compliance.
To be effective managers, parents must
have realistic expectations and a structure of enforcement,
reinforcement, and consequences. Children who learn that disobedience
always results in the same consequence stop testing that rule.
As a result, children feel secure within the appropriate boundaries
parents have established. Parents must also reevaluate practices
and punishments to be sure that what is being used is actually
decreasing negative behavior and promoting a positive environment.
Otherwise, it isn't a punishment, but just another ineffective
negative in the child's environment. Make what is expected
of a child explicitly defined. Be consistent in offering positive
reactions to good behavior and in punishing unacceptable actions.
Achieving a positive environment is a process of fulfillment.
Reprinted from the Journal
of the National
Academy for Child Development
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